This one is For Katie

and coming to you at 6:52 in the a.m.

After four days of being attached at the hip to my current, we've finally managed to step away from each other. And while i should be working on some writing stuff for this killer publication, i'm writing to you, here, because i know some people [cough cough *katie* cough] get a little irritated when i don't update this sucker.

I'm sitting here staring at my "in" box on AOL. Yes... i still have aol. I don't know why either, when i could be saving $25/month to just use something else.

The number above the mailbox reads: 147.

I went through a panic at work last thursday after feeling harshly excluded from the secret club at work that i sent myself everything i possibly could have off of my computer at work. And by everything... i mean everything. Yes, it's vague, but i'm smirking a little bit.

Turns out, I'm still very much wanted at work - but it's this sort of wierd limbo because i work there, but i don't... i'm not expected to come in - but i can when i'd like - sort of - deal. so if i dispear, i don't feel obligated? except that i'm still recieving full salary over the next two weeks so that i can find myself a new job. Sounds like paid vacation to me - and after being so stressed over the last few months about work, and also carrying around some sort of virus for the past few weeks - a break in limbo is very, very welcome.

Damn though, I wish that movie theaters were open this early, cause i have a shit-ton of movies to catch up on.

This weekends Highlights:

- Drinking at The Keg (sweet bathrooms - i actually ran into a pretty good-looking guy in the Ladies who was walking out as i was wakling in and looked just a little more than confused..)

- Westword Music Showcase (Matson really is good... Hot IQs, not so much - tho the drummer is a chic (hot) and the lead singer has got a bitchin' voice and is handsome to boot)

- Sancho's Broken Arrow, read: this tiny bar across from the Fillmore on the corner of Colfax and Clarkson that is dedicated entirely to the Greatful Dead. This was my sacrifice to Sean on his 27th birthday - though i had a really good time, and even was serenaded by some stranger named Paul that supposedly works in Hollywood.

- Angie Stevens on The Mountain Homegrown show last night. Did you hear it?

A good friend of mine is driving up here today to visit on his way to law school in Indiana. I'll probably hit up work for an hour or so and now... i'm about to unleash the fury of a really long nap.

I've been missing out on celebrity gossip. Anybody got anything good? Like... maybe, ya know... Ryan Reyolds and Alanis Broke up? Or... What the FUCK did Tomkat do now?.

Be Careful what you wish for...

I got everything i asked for today.

[One] boy in my bed.
[One] two-person shower.
[One] Less Job. Which means...
[Several] opportunities out there to be my new source of [hopefully greater] income.
[One] request to not have to judge a Battle of the Bands tonight, which required me to represent a place i no longer work for.

Fancy that, will you?

I think this means i can have a little extra time off for the fourth of july, tho i don't know if i want to leave now that i have a nice, supportive man to stick around.

Dammit.

After my boy called and said his Aunt had died not 20 minutes before the phone call, I officially declared June 22, 2005 the worst day of the year.

Blast you, you cheeky monkey.

if your day was a suckfest, please don't keep it to yourself. tell me about it. This is Dr. Sammath Jo --- and i'm listening.

[pssst... if anyone knows of any job opps, will you please let me know here?

home...sweet, home

I tend to think a lot while driving back home to the BLack Hills.
with six hours, an ipod and nothin but open road, you tend to get your thot process going on a pretty thorough level.

Even when i get pulled over twice for speeding within a two-hour span (ha. lucky me... only got one ticket).

THis time... i thought about all of the times i've sat and cried about how fucked up i am. what's wrong with me? i'm this way and that way because of such and such and it's never going to get fixed, because i just can't do it.

well fucking fuck THAT logic. it was all a matter of being around the wrong people.

i'm seeing no reason to keep 'bad' things around anymore. for those of you who are wondering or not wondering why we're not talking... this is why. i finally get it - and if i understand, there's no need for me to explain things to you... you're never going to change, anyway... and i really think the chunk of my life i've devoted to trying to believe that you will is time enough for me.

Most of this decision has come by self-observation. Another, is someone i've met... i don't need to keep my gaurd up (which hasn't been let down once to a man in my 23 years) in fear that i'm going to be hurt or mistreated. feeling comfortable is nice.

tomorrow is the baptism of my new godbaby Willem, my mom's birthday... fathers day --- and with all of the great things happening tomorrow... the one i'm looking most forward to is that my boy will be here, at my home... MY HOME in South Dakota - tomorrow night. weee...

who knew i was such a sap? i didn't...but i don't mind it so much.
what i do mind, is going back to denver. i wish i could just come home for two weeks or so with no plans and just veg. i think i'm going to call my boss and see if he wouldn't mind me staying an extra day...

plus then i can get a companion to roadtrip back to colorado with me...

Haha!

Did you know... there's a pet place in Denver called:

Puppercrombie & Bitch LLC

ha.

I'm heading home around 2 today. And i'll pretty much be holding on to a baby all weekend.
if anything interesting happens today... i'll let you know. otherwise, call me and we'll chat.

Jennifer Anniston

Still think she's gorgeous.

Requium for a Dream

I've been getting sick over the last week.

So i've also been going to bed, takin' in extra vitimin C and just trying to get better. Period.
Last night, I laid in bed coughing for an hour before i got up and decided to search my medicine cabinet for something that would tell my lungs and throat to 'chill the fuck out' so i could get some sleep.

I found liquid codine -- a doctor had prescribed it to me when i had a case of severe strep during the elections last november. It worked. Until 6am. It was pretty close 'til 8 (my usual wake-up time)... but i couldn't stop coughing again, so i took a little more.

Clean wiped me out.

My dream within' the next two hours went as followed:

I went to some movie with Lisa Hanson and another friend (from Elementary School). Christine Hanson (from High School) comes in with her little Movie Outfit and tells me,

"The Phone's for you, Sami! It's your mom. She's really mad because she said you failed a math class and it's going to mess up your scholarships."

I think, crap. am i going to have to go back to college? Did i not really graduate!?

So i get on the phone and my mom proceeds to tell me that Ryan Hanson (this guy i had a crush on in 7th grade) went out with some girl, and his mom is very angry because she saw a picture of me and wants him to be with me.

"What? I haven't even seen him since high school?! I haven't even liked him since 7th grade (where, might I had, My friends and i nick-named him "snoopy" so that no one would know who i actually liked)."

"Well... you better do some control on that, because she's really angry."

Suddenly, Andrew Busse walks by in a blue north face jacket, sporting a scruffy beard.

"BUSSE!" i call.

He comes over and proceeds to argue with me about how I still like Ryan and blah blah blah. And i'm saying No, I haven't even thought about him since middle school.

"Well," says Andrew, "Apparently, his Mom knows that you're supposed to end up together, and she's flaming mad!"

Ok. I can't do anything about it right now, because there is a double feature and i'm supposed to go back and hang out with Lisa or go see my new nephew.

I see my Aunt Stephanie in the movie theater and avoid her. I don't want to talk to her.

I get in my car and drive to Oakley and Teresa's house to see the baby, but instead... get sidetracked at a house that some woman is selling. I may purchase it and pay mortgage. After all, it's a better idea than renting forever. I wouldn't be throwing my money away.

I move around the house, and it seems as though it comes furnished. I don't get to decorate. Bummer. But there's a great movie showing on the livingroom tub, so i camp out on an oversized lounge chair, eat some popcorn and enjoy myself.

Suddenly, Seth Green, dressed as tarzan, jumps in with a spear head and kills the woman. I had seen him around town, but wasn't sure what was up. All of these blood, mucus covered heads start filing in around me. Windows, doors -- through the kitchen... they're all naked, but all i really remember are their bloody, round heads filing in. To kill me.

I wake up in a flash, feeling that it's late.

[8:40]

Fuck. I wash my face and brush my teeth, still overtly high on Codien --- it took everything to drive to work today. Seriously almost threw up --- the feeling of motion sickness via a bad rollercoaster set in heavily as i drove willy nilly to work.

I'm staying late tonight to hold down the fort while Chuck Prophet is here...
weeeeee!

i'm wondering what is with all of the high school throwbacks though?? And Ryan Hansen? What...the...fuck?

On the Road

The boy is on tour.


And it sounds like they're having fun thus far. I may see if i can even stay back home an extra day to see them play. Then... maybe one of the three can road trip home with me.

Hmm...

I'm going through a big change right now -- and acrueing a lot of frustration because of it... mostly because i won't fucking speak up. I'm certainly being vocal about everything else in my life - why am in not when it comes to my job??
I'm pretty sure that my boss would listen.

I am not sure. Not sure at all. But i need to grow some balls, already.

Furthermore... i have to write a 1200 word cover story for the music mag on a band called Bleeding Through.
Has ... anyone ever heard of these guys? Cause i'm clueless...

I made chocolate cake last night. If anyone wants to come hang out and eat some with me, you're more than welcome.

Do you have the time... To listen to me whine?

About nothing and everything all at once!

I've been long gone. So sorry about that. It seems like this past weekend was a nice, long vacation away from life - which is wierd, because it was only the norm Saturday and Sunday Off.

I have to tell you though that all hell broke loose on Thursday. Well, Tuesday, really.

I knew it had been coming, but didn't know when to expect it.
The Hot Project FINALLY decided to discuss what had happened... sort of. Via e-mail. Awesome!

So Tuesday afternoon, i recieved this (at work):

Hey sweet lady,

I'm back up! (on line @ home)

I'm sorry I haven't fit communicating with you into my punk-rock-life-style. Please don't let that reflect my respect for you as a person, professional, and as a friend. Life's been full of challenges to help put the cherry on top of my development and to build the character of yours truely. Actually I'm more grateful now than I think I've ever felt! Grateful=Greatness, for me anyway. I'm sorry I declined hanging out with you a Tuesday or so ago; I'm in a long distance relationship now and I feel vulnerable to my lust sometimes. Anyway, to attain an honest reward for my efforts and share it with those I care about requires balance and honesty in all areas, Fuck!

Last Friday when you returned my cord. jacket, it kind of fucked me up. I felt and It seemed like you thought differently of me as a person or something, I felt like an ass about how we'd resolved our differences and it made me sad. I was so distracted (stoned also) that I got halfway home only to realize I'd left my gear outside at the building. Pretty lame drive through downtown LA to go back for it. Sometimes I'm too hard on myself, but I need to take responsability for anything I've done to throw tainted energy into the world. Don't hate me 'cause I'm a mad man.

As far as the show is concerned, it will be our best one yet. through word of mouth, I already know a three handfuls of people planning to attend. I'm going to make a punk rock low budget flier this week and will do whatever I can to make advertising work through you also. I appreciate your support and effort to help us. I'm distracted bye. Get back with me!

I'm not going to lie. It upset me. I shed about four tears and then forgot about it.
I thought about writing back, but didn't see a fit reason, too. I understood why things had gone the way they had - what good was it to try and explain it to someone who wasn't going to comprehend it, let alone someone who was stoned and unstable??

So i let it go...

It kind of followed suit to how things had always been when concerning our correspondence.

On Thursday, I was just about to head out of the office when the phone rang (again... at work).

I checked the Caller ID.

"Fuuuuck."

I decided to pick it up anyway because there was some business stuff i needed to take care of.

The first thing he mentions is the e-mail. "Did you get it? I uh.. yeah - don't really know what i said, but i wanted to -"

"Yep. What do you need?"

I proceeded to go into my best business persona, because i am a young, proffessional, mature adult. It seemed he kept dragging on conversation to keep me on the phone, and i could hear hints of the flaws that make him who he is. It's so annoying when sommeone has potential to be great and just doesn't take advantage.

I think he was confused as to why I hadn't rebutted or responded to his ingenious pros. It really was out of character for me.

I left work, extremely livid, to check out an apartment. I got lost, couldn't find the apartment and stood up the realtor chic. I still feel bad. Combining this with my brake pads totally worn to the bone, that sound and my attitude were at an all- time low.

Not moments later, i get another update from a guy that i'd be more than happy to leave behind.

But I went out and drank. Met up with my boy and felt mucho better.

The next morning, something tipped me off. I just snapped. Said man from the e-mail really hit a nerve and i just blew up --- and it all came out in an e-mail that i'm really proud of, because i never stand up for myself (and this is why I am putting it on there, regardless of personal details):

You are such a coward.

I wasn't going to write you back but you made me so angry that i'm going to unload my fire right now.

How dare you sit there and pretend that you care and are responsible when you aren't even being accountable for how you treated me. Please don't act like you respect me as a friend, because a friend wouldn't have waited nearly three months to bring up the issue. A friend would have made time to sit down and talk about things!

You got off easy. I let it go and tried to be the better person. MAYBE you wouldn't feel so bad about how we 'resolved our differences' if you had actually taken the time to do so, instead of sitting in your car in insulting me the night I took your coat. It felt like you were doing this out of defense - but what were you defending? I never once judged you the entire time we hung out - and even when I was hurt by what had happened, I still tried to be understanding and reasonable. Regardless, it doesn't make it right for you to throw out defense mechanisms to hurt me and make yourself feel justified/less guilty in your actions. If you actually felt all of those things, why the hell did you hang out with me for so long?

I’m glad you're grateful for your life. Grateful for what's happening, who's in it, what you're doing - I hope that you're grateful for this e-mail because maybe it will help you to actually act grateful instead of pulling some enlightened stoner speech via email about how much you appreciate having me in your life professionally, friend, etc. It sounded by your declination to hang out that all you were expecting was sex, anyway. Did you know I was calling just to spend some time with you? You're worth more than just some time in bed... please don't dumb down my intentions, or your self-respect. I actually considered you a friend.

I look forward to working with you on the show. we're happy to have you, and I hope that you enjoy the space. If you have any questions with booking, promo, etc, I’m happy to work with you professionally. If you actually want to be friends and settle shit, come say it to my face.


I felt much better -- and headed home to get all dolled up for a night out for the Bias Launch Party.

I run around town and who do i run into? Another fucking ex. Fuck!
Luckily, this guy pulled a proffessional act as well, and hooked me up with some free stuff for his restraunt. It was sweet. I don't harbor any bitter feelings toward him - but i still can't believe --- all exes within 30 hours, give or take.

Seriously... what is this? Do all the ex's bound together and decided they need to fuck with my life all at the same time? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Regardless (and despite the LONG ASS POST) - i'm still standing, pretty unphased now that i got all the bad stuff off my chest, and i had the most fabulous weekend :-)


i hope all ya'all did as well... and i hope that you aren't bored by this post.

I'm Paula Abdul, Bitch!

Last night, I played "Local Celebrity" Judge at a battle of the bands.

I haven't been here a year, and already i've reached celebrity status?
Looks like it's time to move!

The Hard Rock Cafe in Denver is holding a Warped Tour Battle of the Bands every Wednesday in June.

The skinny?
Three bands compete each Wednesday (the 8th, 15th, 22nd and 29th) for one of four slots in the BOTB finals (held on July 6). Judges rate five things at the show: Performance, Song Writing, Appearance, Proffessionalism and Promotions, and the band with the most points moves on.

Last Night?

Leer 43
Seraph Bliss
Eulogy for an Angel

When i arrived around 8:30, i was directed to a black table with three clipboards, a hard rock pint glass and posh set-up Along with the boys from The Oriental Theater - we had a regular American Idol set-up.

It was sort of a long night, but a lot of fun.
Oddly enough, when the time came to tally the ballots, we had a tie between two of the bands (bummer for the second) as we had to pick just one.

So Spot #1 goes to Leer43.

I'm not sure who else is in the line-up, but i'll let you know. I'm judging again on the 22nd (I think Red Line Defiance may be on the bill. You should go --- $8 for three bands (45 minute set each) --- trying their best to get the grand prize.

Which i didn't mention --- is an opening slot IN the Warped Tour. Pretty awesome opportunity.

So yeah...
Because of said event, i'm pretty tired today. i didn't get home til 1, and that's no big deal, but *yawn* i'm tired...

i'm doing it today.

i don't fear many things.

like i've said before, i'm a six-year-old at heart - and what are kids known best for?
fearlessness.

Committment used to be a big one for me. After signing a leasing deal on a couch and feeling how gratifying to know that I bought it and I [will] own it and it will be MINE, the satisfaction kicked in and commitment felt pretty good. I've weeded out dating deuchebags as well, so this tends to make it less scary.

Singing in front of people = scary. But then you do it...unnerving, but hey - i did it. it's done. And i've solved the equation of stage fright --- get a band up there with you.

Snakes will always be on the list because, well... they suck. and the slithery, windy-bodied thing will always creep the bajeebus out of me.

One thing that i'm facing today --- that i soooo dont' want to do, but need to if i want to keep bitching about it - is ask for a raise. It's deserved, it's valid, and by gosh - i'll probably have something considered, but it's scary as hell. I'm not sure why - because i work hard - and hell, you've heard me bitch about this for the past three months. i'm sure you 'get it.'

i'll shut up.

but my point was... scary. scary. but it seems the most stressful things are always the most rewarding.
got a problem? fix it.

Oh yeah...

did i mention i went back to dark?
took four flippin hours! but cool.. there's some platinum stuff that pokes through ever so slightly.
me gusta.

Ah...the Wonder of Shopper's Disease

I bought more furniture yesterday. Well, just one piece. And it was over 50% off at Z-gallery. And well worth the Harmony my living area now exudes.

Yes.

But now, i have borrowed $100 from my reserve business of credit and am about $67.32 in the hole. That's my debt to the goverment. A measely $62.

Except that i still need to pay off $1117 over the next six months. awesome ha. i wish my birthday were coming up...

Good news?

A paycheck goes in today , i have $100 spare laying around in such cases, and i think i have a nice chunk of change coming my way for some freelance stuff. That should help. If not - then oh well! Guess i'll start eating like a man for a week or so.

This includes:
hard-boiled eggs
powerbars
ramen

or... i could just start enlisting first dates with random boys around town. Funny how the only thing i'm worried about is FOOD!

Crap. that reminds me. i have to buy catfood. and gas.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

haha.

i think i'll go spent my last $7 on a monkey

The topic is...

"Things guys say to feel out your relationship status."

Please. Discuss. We'll compare notes later.
Because... i think i just had one of these conversations, and i'd really like to hear from you...

I'm an AUNT AND A GODMOTHER!!!!!!!!

Willem Constantine Rathbun - 7am this morning.

Ok...

I've always said i loved East Coast People.

They're fast paced. They get their shit done. No dilly dallying.
I am the same. Which is wierd because i'm from South Dakota.

Now now now now now!

You can definately tell by the way that i drive.
and damn i'm quick when i have a slice of time (40 seconds) to accomplish ONE TASK AT A TIME.

But my job is as such and would seem to go a little more smoothly if i could do each task at hand with 100% accuracy instead of half-assing everything.

My plate is so full that i can't concentrate on all that i do. then another course shows up and i get snippy about it because i'm stuffed, god dammit!

i need help.
i need help.

I'm 23 and i need like... four interns.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

This also seems to be the case that when a good, potential relationship comes along, we are both too busy to see each other if ever. grrrr.

maybe a quickie would suffice. lol

It's a wonder i'm writing this. I'm not sure why - but i just had to write something.