Do you have the time... To listen to me whine?

About nothing and everything all at once!

I've been long gone. So sorry about that. It seems like this past weekend was a nice, long vacation away from life - which is wierd, because it was only the norm Saturday and Sunday Off.

I have to tell you though that all hell broke loose on Thursday. Well, Tuesday, really.

I knew it had been coming, but didn't know when to expect it.
The Hot Project FINALLY decided to discuss what had happened... sort of. Via e-mail. Awesome!

So Tuesday afternoon, i recieved this (at work):

Hey sweet lady,

I'm back up! (on line @ home)

I'm sorry I haven't fit communicating with you into my punk-rock-life-style. Please don't let that reflect my respect for you as a person, professional, and as a friend. Life's been full of challenges to help put the cherry on top of my development and to build the character of yours truely. Actually I'm more grateful now than I think I've ever felt! Grateful=Greatness, for me anyway. I'm sorry I declined hanging out with you a Tuesday or so ago; I'm in a long distance relationship now and I feel vulnerable to my lust sometimes. Anyway, to attain an honest reward for my efforts and share it with those I care about requires balance and honesty in all areas, Fuck!

Last Friday when you returned my cord. jacket, it kind of fucked me up. I felt and It seemed like you thought differently of me as a person or something, I felt like an ass about how we'd resolved our differences and it made me sad. I was so distracted (stoned also) that I got halfway home only to realize I'd left my gear outside at the building. Pretty lame drive through downtown LA to go back for it. Sometimes I'm too hard on myself, but I need to take responsability for anything I've done to throw tainted energy into the world. Don't hate me 'cause I'm a mad man.

As far as the show is concerned, it will be our best one yet. through word of mouth, I already know a three handfuls of people planning to attend. I'm going to make a punk rock low budget flier this week and will do whatever I can to make advertising work through you also. I appreciate your support and effort to help us. I'm distracted bye. Get back with me!

I'm not going to lie. It upset me. I shed about four tears and then forgot about it.
I thought about writing back, but didn't see a fit reason, too. I understood why things had gone the way they had - what good was it to try and explain it to someone who wasn't going to comprehend it, let alone someone who was stoned and unstable??

So i let it go...

It kind of followed suit to how things had always been when concerning our correspondence.

On Thursday, I was just about to head out of the office when the phone rang (again... at work).

I checked the Caller ID.

"Fuuuuck."

I decided to pick it up anyway because there was some business stuff i needed to take care of.

The first thing he mentions is the e-mail. "Did you get it? I uh.. yeah - don't really know what i said, but i wanted to -"

"Yep. What do you need?"

I proceeded to go into my best business persona, because i am a young, proffessional, mature adult. It seemed he kept dragging on conversation to keep me on the phone, and i could hear hints of the flaws that make him who he is. It's so annoying when sommeone has potential to be great and just doesn't take advantage.

I think he was confused as to why I hadn't rebutted or responded to his ingenious pros. It really was out of character for me.

I left work, extremely livid, to check out an apartment. I got lost, couldn't find the apartment and stood up the realtor chic. I still feel bad. Combining this with my brake pads totally worn to the bone, that sound and my attitude were at an all- time low.

Not moments later, i get another update from a guy that i'd be more than happy to leave behind.

But I went out and drank. Met up with my boy and felt mucho better.

The next morning, something tipped me off. I just snapped. Said man from the e-mail really hit a nerve and i just blew up --- and it all came out in an e-mail that i'm really proud of, because i never stand up for myself (and this is why I am putting it on there, regardless of personal details):

You are such a coward.

I wasn't going to write you back but you made me so angry that i'm going to unload my fire right now.

How dare you sit there and pretend that you care and are responsible when you aren't even being accountable for how you treated me. Please don't act like you respect me as a friend, because a friend wouldn't have waited nearly three months to bring up the issue. A friend would have made time to sit down and talk about things!

You got off easy. I let it go and tried to be the better person. MAYBE you wouldn't feel so bad about how we 'resolved our differences' if you had actually taken the time to do so, instead of sitting in your car in insulting me the night I took your coat. It felt like you were doing this out of defense - but what were you defending? I never once judged you the entire time we hung out - and even when I was hurt by what had happened, I still tried to be understanding and reasonable. Regardless, it doesn't make it right for you to throw out defense mechanisms to hurt me and make yourself feel justified/less guilty in your actions. If you actually felt all of those things, why the hell did you hang out with me for so long?

I’m glad you're grateful for your life. Grateful for what's happening, who's in it, what you're doing - I hope that you're grateful for this e-mail because maybe it will help you to actually act grateful instead of pulling some enlightened stoner speech via email about how much you appreciate having me in your life professionally, friend, etc. It sounded by your declination to hang out that all you were expecting was sex, anyway. Did you know I was calling just to spend some time with you? You're worth more than just some time in bed... please don't dumb down my intentions, or your self-respect. I actually considered you a friend.

I look forward to working with you on the show. we're happy to have you, and I hope that you enjoy the space. If you have any questions with booking, promo, etc, I’m happy to work with you professionally. If you actually want to be friends and settle shit, come say it to my face.


I felt much better -- and headed home to get all dolled up for a night out for the Bias Launch Party.

I run around town and who do i run into? Another fucking ex. Fuck!
Luckily, this guy pulled a proffessional act as well, and hooked me up with some free stuff for his restraunt. It was sweet. I don't harbor any bitter feelings toward him - but i still can't believe --- all exes within 30 hours, give or take.

Seriously... what is this? Do all the ex's bound together and decided they need to fuck with my life all at the same time? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Regardless (and despite the LONG ASS POST) - i'm still standing, pretty unphased now that i got all the bad stuff off my chest, and i had the most fabulous weekend :-)


i hope all ya'all did as well... and i hope that you aren't bored by this post.