Friday, November 24, 2006

i am in trouble...

I spent the majority of my trip home today listening to loveline on my ipod (my car outlet was missing, and i had no blank cds), sipping on non-drousy Robutussin and wishing home was only 3 hours (200 miles) from Denver, instead of 6.

Upon arrival, I felt more at peace and at home that I have in the last six weeks. I feel like i'm leading two lives, and the person I slip back into when I return to South Dakota (suprisingly) is so much more... real.

I knew when I moved back to Denver, my way of going about it was anything but ordinary.

I pushed my time out here at home as far as I could, then left all of my things... and MY home, and took off with clothes, some all important bedding and a big, comforter-sized box full of my personality.

Or so I thought...

My past 5/6 weeks in Denver have made me feel so unbelievably unsettled. I've grown into the roll of a gypsy that has some things here, a few more things there, then continually wondering where the hell I left my keys 10 minutes ago. Dispite all this, I've been content getting along with all the people that filter in through my day to day (non)routines.

I wanted something different. I wanted to treat my second venture out into the career world as "serious business woman in the big city" somewhat like college: I bring my most favorite neccessities, get a cheap room - then make the rest up as I go.

Check. Check. Check.

Work has been a challenge. I've slowly been trying to prove myself to a group of people by working through my frustrations/ wall-coliding problems on my own by pulling from the outrageous amount of emotional work experience I endured over the past year. I've been getting better... I'm still trying to find my exact fit...

It's gotten to the point now, where it's not "What do I want to do?" or "Am I doing the right thing?"

No.

This time it is about who I am. I'm really starting to trust myself. And i've been sitting on a lot of passions/ideas that I really plan on putting into the action in the near future to really make sure I tell the world exactly who that is. I don't feel like maybe i'm doing the wrong/right thing... i'm just doing my thing - and know that I can do it however I want because it's my life, i only get once - and "whether I can or can't, i'm right" and finding i'm capable (and will be capable) of a lot more than I thought I would be when I was dancing around in questionable limbo.

I'm feeling good in that aspect. Damn good.

But as for feeling at home -- feeling whole -- feeling really, really good in my surroundings - this has been lost. And when I finally got home tonight at 11:40p.m. (Thanksgiving) - I walked into my home, full of my things, and realized I did not, in fact, pack my personality and comfortability into that large box -- it all was left here.

I gave my house a hug, turned on some heat, and set up the spare television in my room... and this feeling that I'll be able to sleep soundly - awake content, and walk around barefoot on shaggy carpet and clean pergo floors - has made my entire month of november.

I can see this being a real problem when I have to go back to Denver on Sunday... a love affair with a house. Who knew my great loves in life would have nothing to do men?

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