The Joy of Sex... and other Stuff

I love my new job!

Personal Assistant, bitches.

Always have wanted to do that for a celebrity, but have landed a job doing this for a mucho busy bachelor, who is in dier need of a woman's touch.

And you jest, I'm sure that you think that being a PA is just bitch work, but it's so much fun! I get to play house in someone else's gorgeous pad. Love IT!

Plus I get to hang out with these guys:


Flexible, working for a trusting guy - we get along great... which reminds me I need to burn him some Mp3s... totally spaced on that.

Other than that, I have some (very) intersting stuff to report... but better wait until things are less up in the air.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. *Big Sigh*

Ooooh! OOoooooh!

My brain works not much unlike the game that is: Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

But since I dont' really like Kevin Bacon, I"ll give you a short run-down, in six steps or less, on how I arrived at posting the following.

1. I heart Steve Martin..
2. I had a dream about Steve Martin the other night where we were both discussion his book Shopgirl (which releases as a motion picture NEXT MONTH) over bar-b-q chicken at a fundraiser event in the mountains.
3. When I awoke, I had to stress out about writing the cover story for the music magazine I have now been writing for for over one year (oh my gawd!).
4. The cover story is on The Suicide Girls Burlesque Show, coming to the Gothic Theatre Oct. 25.
5. I am currently researching the site to get information for the 1300 words i'm going to have to spew out for the cover story in the next five hours (blah).
6. I found an interview with Steve Martin on the site, and it goes a little something like this:



Steve Martin is a god, not the G-d but a god nonetheless. When I try to remember my childhood I mostly come up with images of The Man with Two Brains and The Jerk. But in recent years his works has turned to the more complex with such theater plays as Picasso at the Lapin Agile and the novella Shopgirl.

Next month Touchstone Pictures will release the film adaptation of Shopgirl with Martin writing, producing and starring.

Shopgirl is about Mirabelle [played by Claire Danes] who oversees the rarely frequented glove counter at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. She is an artist struggling to keep up with even the minimum payment on her credit card and student loans, she keeps to herself until a rich, handsome fifty something named Ray Porter [Steve Martin] sweeps her off her feet. Simultaneously, Mirabelle is being pursued by Jeremy [Jason Schwartzman], a basic bachelor who's not quite as cultured and successful as Ray.

Check out the official site for Shopgirl

Daniel Robert Epstein: How was it adapting your own work into a screenplay?

Steve Martin: I’ve adapted before with Cyrano de Bergerac and the play Underpants so I know the process. But as far as adapting my own work, I knew what I wanted, I knew what I liked about the book and I knew what I wanted in the screenplay. But you still know that you have to be pretty cold sometimes. I have a saying that when you're adapting something it takes the process of a failed marriage. It starts with fidelity. Then there's transgression and then there's divorce. What I mean by that is that you start off going, “Oh, we're going to use this and this and this” and then you go, “Hmm” and then there's the moment where you go, “Maybe I could rewrite this.” Then finally you completely separate it and look at your own work and it's internal mechanics and make sure that it works correctly and not just salvage things from the book.

DRE: Do you see this as a Los Angeles trilogy along with LA Story and Bowfinger?

SM: I never thought of that, but that's what I'm going to say from now on.

DRE: Are there personal moments from your life in the book?

SM: That's hard to answer because some of it is personal and some of it isn't. It's a work of fiction and imagination so you draw the characters from life. I know that the character of Lisa Cramer is really three specific women that I've known in my life or talked to or interviewed or whatever. So every event has almost a multiple source. Every storyline is like, “This is from this part of my life. This is from someone else's life.” I remember that a woman told me that she slept with someone because he wanted to so badly and I thought, “It can work that way?” So you're just collecting anecdotes and you don't know what you remember until you remember it.

DRE: Was it hard for you to play such a reserved character?

SM: No, not at all. I understood the character so there's none of that though it was hard to say some of the things that Ray Porter had to say. I have a friend who's a comedian that had just done a drama and he got all these kudos for doing it and he said, “Steve, if I got praised for my dramatic acting it's only because when they were cutting to me I was thinking about where I was having dinner.” Meaning that he was just stoic and a lot of emotion is written in nothing. Ray Porter is quite stoic.

DRE: How is doing drama different from comedy?

SM: In drama you worry and in comedy you really worry. With comedy you've got to get the laughs but drama can actually survive in silence. So you're constantly thinking and cutting for the joke and where the laugh comes. It's like another element. Drama is just as precise but you also have this obligation in comedy to make people laugh.

DRE: You wrote your first nude scene in Shopgirl, how was that?

SM: Well it’s not like a gratuitous nude scene. It's a perfect example of a nude scene being essential to the story. In the scene Ray and Mirabelle are sort of warming up to each other then he gets a phone call and leaves the room. While he's gone she takes off her clothes and lies down on the bed because she knew that this was the night. She accepted it and took charge of it and didn't let the game go on. I think that it's a very surprising moment.

DRE: How did the choice for you to do the narration come about?

SM: I originally wrote the narration to be read by an older woman. But it was suggested by the director that I give it a try and at first I was puzzled though ultimately I liked it because it did give Ray the feeling that he was looking back and apologizing. He was observing now from a distant place and being rational about it.

DRE: Many of your films are set in Los Angeles, what entrances you about that city?


SM: I was raised in Orange Country, California so I've lived there my whole life. But I think that the reason that most actors don't like living in LA is that they're always waiting there. You wait for a script to come. You wait for the call to come. You're driving around forever. Everywhere you look there is competition, but reason that they live there is that that's where the business is.

DRE: Was doing Shopgirl a way for you to get back to a drama?

SM: There's no rhythm to it. Shopgirl is a very special situation because I wrote the novel and I wrote the screenplay. There was no, “I need a drama.” Shopgirl is a work from the heart and when you do that it's very thrilling. Then sometimes, like in Cheaper by the Dozen, you work for the love of comedy and in Pink Panther you work for the love of comedy or the love of that character. That's a very specific thing.

DRE: It was interesting that Mirabelle works in Saks selling those long gloves that no one even wears anymore.

SM: In a sense that’s a big metaphor for the type of girl that Mirabelle is. She's soft spoken, retiring, she doesn't put herself out there and she’s not aggressive. She's got quiet beauty and in Beverly Hills that's really rare. So that's what that is about. It's about the opportunity to discover beauty in quiet hidden places. In fact the narration in the movie and in the book says, “She needs an omniscient voice to say, Here she is. Here she is.”

DRE: Mirabelle is an artist that makes her pictures out of negative space, what does that mean to you?

SM: Just that there's beauty in detail and the beauty is often the background. I loved exploring the actual mechanics of her life such as how she drives, where she shops, how much she spends for lunch and her car. The way she sits and wears her glasses when she drives. All of these things truly reveal her character and it’s so telling rather than blurting out exposition. There's almost no words spoken in the first 15 minutes of the movie until the voiceover comes in with Mirabelle in bed looking up at the stars.

DRE: Why didn’t you direct this?

SM: I didn't have the heart to direct it. I couldn't write, direct, act, produce. It's too much.

DRE: You were in the movie version of Sgt Bilko and upcoming you have the remake of The Pink Panther. As a comedian and writer, why would you take the risk of inhabiting roles made famous by iconic stars like Phil Silvers and Peter Sellers?

SM: I wanted to do a physical comedy and when The Pink Panther came along I questioned myself about whether or not I could handle it. I spent a little time in that world figuring out if I could. I decided that I could and I liked the team so I went ahead and did it. By the way you'll love it.

by Daniel Robert Epstein

Bread Rising

Things in life are so inconsistent.

For example, my dress size. That seems to have fluctuated all the way to china as of late, and I can't find anything that i want to wear, at all. Maybe i'm just retaining a lot of water lately. Or maybe, it's the curse of being in a relationship and having the luxury of making your significant other do everything for you, while you lay in bed eating cheetos.

This should finally help us to understand Britney Spears, kapish?

Henceforth, I have gone into extreme work-out, eat very little mode - which never seems to help. Plus i don't have the will-power of a man. What a cruel joke god played on us women when he created willpower. Maybe I should finally break down and try speed.

My job searching is also scattered. One week, I want my schedule like this. The next, I shoot down the other end of the carreer ladder. I go back and forth from dying to go back to school to doing something really non-contributional to society to... driving off somewhere unfamiliar and just disapearing.

My bank account is actually overdrawn pretty badly. Luckily, I have great coverage on my checking account - and the funny thing is - that I am so nerotic about not spending money if I don't have money, and always keeping myself covered - but now that i've passed the $0 mark, I could give a fuck if i'm $9 overdrawn, or $900.

READ: If you want something from me, now's the time to ask.

Maybe this is all just regular symptons of being 23 - and fuck if i've been saying for the entire year, that i fucking HATE my 20s - i can't wait to be 30. Why are the twenties so fucking hard? I thot the teens blew ass--- i mean, i was ugly as sin - at least that status has improved a little bit - the bitch fights with your parents - peer pressure, etc. Then you have the confusion of sexual functions, which i just royaly fucked myself over with because I waited to even kiss a guy til I was nearly 20 (insert "Loser" remark here).

Fuck man. I don't think I even want to be a writer anymore. I hate the deadlines. I hate my editors riding my ass all the time. I don't even have the juice to be creative and great at writing anymore.

But through all of this, one thing that remains consistent, is the big fucking black hair that keeps growing out of this freckle on my right hand. I pluck it every month, and I never notice it growing back, but it's always there; leering at me.

Does anyone else have this problem? Or a smiliar one like it?

Maybe it's just a body hair creeping up as a monthly reminder that I should really try a brazillian wax...

Oh gawd...

I was awakened {awoken?} today.

My creativity - and it all started with some lame show on A&E about restructuring a home up for sale to be more appealing to buyers.

I'm painting, stripping my great grandfathers old desk for a more natural feel - and even added two new members to my family:

Fern and Ivy. (ha...)

Took a long drive and listened to loud music - in a huge oversized sweatshirt (inherited from my favorite boy) with the windows down and my hair blowin' in the wind. In that moment, I felt secure... completely content and in a great state of mind.

Then my boyfriend got in the car and knocked my favorite artist.

So i combatted the negativity by dancing around my living room like those shadow people in the iPod commercials like it's going out of style and even though i've had a series of non-encouraging job interviews, listening to britney spears right now somehow makes me feel ok.

Ok... not britney, but I'm all motivated to go back to get my masters, live life, buy a minicooper, my baby blue vespa and a hot man. I think it's crucial to remember what you thot when you were growing up regarding career, life and love.

What I know:

I've always wanted a sweet apartment across the hall from a really hot, witty, smart, great-smelling (though i don't smell) man, a sweet car (jeep, maybe?) and a dog. And that vespa moped. It was that simple> I've seen myself marrying around 26, having a first child by 28, and leaving the rest up to fate.

I want to write a book, have Oprah bust it out to her book club and have it shoot to the top of book charts. Well-earned success --- famous, but not overtly so.

I want to go to culinary school - be a pro chef (fun!).

I want to open a publishing house in LONDON and live in the flat above with my hot lawyer husband in pin-stripe suits.

And I want to be a mom/housewife who refurbishes/paints/decorates/makes pretty things prettier at home. All. Day. Long.

But how do I GET to those things? because early-twenties SUCK ASS!

Can i hear a "HELL YEAH!?"

What Do i have to do to inhabit my time until then?

Search Craigslist religiously until I find a job that will actually pay me what i'm worth - that won't make me hate my life....

So I've been looking, and placing my resume online as well.

What happens when you do this?

Oi.

Trusting, South Dakota ME puts my resume online, (with my phone number) and i SWEAR to GOD - i got the following phone call on Saturday Afternoon:

Me: Hello?
Man: Samantha?
Me: May I ask Who is calling?
Man: Paul... You were looking to work with exciting new people?

Paul goes onto tell me he is looking for a Personal Assistant - I would be "on Call" and he would begin paying me for my time "Right Now."

Me: Uh... don't you want to meet me first?
Man: Well - tel me about you - you have a nice little voice, Sweetheart.
Me: {Pauses} Well, I'd kind of like to know more about you since I know nothing and you want me to start working right this moment.
Man: {Laughs} Ask me anything you'd like, sweetheart?


Note: I hate when boss-type men call you sweetheart. I am not your sweetheart, asswipe.

Me: well... uh... what are you looking for someone like me to do as your personal assistant?
Man: Well... for example... My last assistant - say - I don't have a girlfriend right now. So... if I'd get excited... I'd call her and she'd *suggested*talk to me. Do you understand?
Me: *Click*

Fucking nut jobs.

I'm never getting a job. So i'm going to whore myself on the LoDO Bar Market, because yes, I have a bachelores degree, but other than it looking real nice in the frame on my desk, I'd probably make 5x as much money giving some frat boy a drink.

There it is. If you know any sweet bar/restraunts hiring, leave it here - so i can go harass them with a pretty face.