Finally

Katie bird... Here are pictures of the sexy couch... plus a little bit more of my house:


And then just some others... me with my boy, and me with my favorite girl:



And that's about all for the self-affirming photo post. Sorry.

Cruising the Celebrity Wave

Wierd imput of famous people into my life over the last few days.

And I mean wierd.

Headed to the Pavillions Saturday Night as my boy was opening with Melissa Ivey for Stephen Page of Bare Naked Ladies. His green room was actually right next to Melissas.

You know those Annexes where they can divide off walls with an accordian screen --- well that seperated us. So I snuck my camera phone up to it and was recording Mr. Page practicing. I'll put that up as soon as I can - which is actually funny - because no visual, just audio. Unless you find a beige curtain appealing to the eye...?

While we were waiting for Melissa to go on, we walked out to the "Stuff your Face" VIP Tent and met up with... Jason Priestly. You all know him as "Brandon" from 90210. I never got into that show. Sean basically MADE me walk out and get a picture of him. The conversation went as follows:

Sean: Hey Dude, Can we get a picture? She has a camera phone.
Jason: Yeah - No problem. No Problem.
Me: Hi... (Shakes hand akwardly.) Sorry - this is retarded.
Jason:Oh - no problem, no problem.
Me: I'm sorry, what was your name again?
Jason: (Rolls Eyes, then laughs) Jason. Nice to meet you.

Apparently he was Master of Ceremonies for the Grand Prix Event this weekend that took over Auraria. He used to race cars a lot (which I think i knew) but nearly died so he's a little less crazy now-a-days.

Today, I'm in the Soundstructure Office Paying Bills, Reconiciling Accounts, Managing Studios --- And who walks in?

Ben Folds.

Nice Guy. Green Glasses. Pees A Lot. I think he had about 17 waters while he was in here tho.
He also called Rufus Wainwright while sitting here, too. Interesting.

I had no idea that he had an Australian wife and 6-year-old twins.

I got to play his rental piano tho (he played here at The Walnut Room for a special Radio Event. He played one of the longest Pianos i've ever seen. So beautimous.

I got to play it when he was done. :-)

My cat is retarded

But i still love him.

Although my life has been just non-stop chaos since about March, I think things are finally evening out for me. But, lest you forget, that at this moment... i am knocking heavily upon my wooden desk.

Aw! You Jest!

Ok - sorry - old folklore language took a hold of me.

I think i'm getting fattuh. You know this is true, when you feel like your face is expanding.

It's great...but something i'm not caring too heavily about right now.

And I'll tell you why.
Let me point out that fat is cute - with a picture of my 2 month old nephew (whom is in town tonight for a few days):


I rest my case.

What a difference...

a few days, my disapearance and some willingness to make change makes.

just had a great/very positive conversation with that boy.
who is being honest.
and turns out - while his story was bunk before, there still was no infidelity.

and his sentiments on everything are genuine. finally.

and i feel so much better going to bed tonight.

it's going to have to be a slow progression back into things (if it will happen at all) but i honestly have faith in this one.

Heaven Knows...

The last few days have been diff-i-cult.

After an appearance on my doorstep thursday evening and a fourth-attempted phone call, i finally answered my cell phone to try and settle some really messy bullshit.

And the thing is... I didn't even accuse:

"Do You have something you've been meaning to tell me?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The tour..."
"Oh...That Girl..."

Eleven times i heard the story of what really happened.

Eleven.

If someone called you on something - and you didn't do it - you'd be upset.
But would you get defensive and tell your side eleven times?
Then threaten to hurt the people who told me?

But when someone brings something terrible like this to your attention, who would you trust when you've known both people for an equal amount of time? One your boyfriend (the accused) - and one your close friend (who seemingly saw this shit go down)?

Who has something to lose, here?

I set the phone down on the desk and let him yell for 30 minutes - using words that aren't even in my vocabulary - and frankly, scaring the bajeebus out of me.

Which shouldn't really, because he's just all talk.

I knew he was lieing through his teeth. Weird, because he's exceptionally good at it and it's painfull easy to see through.

But the stories of his reality just flow out so smoothly it really has you second guessing yourself.

I mean, if there were some kind of awards show for "Manipulator of the Year" -he'd have a pretty good shot at ending up on the winner's podium - spurting out a speech about what it took to get him there.

Instead, I said - "I believe you. Thanks for clearing things up. I appreciate that."

The next morning, I packed two bags.

One for me to take back to South Dakota.
Another to leave for this boy with a note. A kind, yet stern note.

I dropped the contents of his bag where I knew he would be heading, along with my v. short letter and some cash he'd left in my possession (for me, mind you) and then shut off my phone.

Somewhere around Cheyenne I re-established power and found I had one voicemail message.

I knew what was to come, so I wanted to empty out my voice mailbox periodically.

Six phone calls spilled in within the next five minutes. Just one message.

An hour and a half later - another phone call from the pay phone outside of my house.
As soon as I listened to the voicemail message, I knew this whole process was going to be difficult.

Now - i have to admit right now, that I have a small little thing for drama. Party because I'm a writer, and as situations happen, i'm always thinking of how the whole situation would look on paper.

You all watch shitty reality TV - you stop and gape when you drive by an accident. If you've ever been in a relationship, you secretly hope that it will go somewhat like your favorite movie. Even the break-up scene. Drama is rich. It's full-bodied. If it were packaged as a beer, you'd by it by the case.

Three more phone calls came in that evening. The messages were really, really depressing. My heart nearly broke in two.

At about 1:09am Saturday morning, I was out with two of my best girlfriends and started feeling sad. So I called his friends' phones (he has no cell phone) and left two messages.

At 3am, i still hadn't recieved a call back, so I cried myself to sleep because my thot proccess told me - 'he is up in the mountains fucking some girl from the bar because he's hurt/upset by what i did today.'

which i know in my gut is totally untrue - but that insecurity is now open for scrutiny because of actions he took two months ago.

and, mind you again, something i'm not really that angry about. it's all about the lieing/attitude.

i was awoken this morning at 11am by another phone call.

this time:
i answered.
i listened.
for twenty minutes.

lots of 'i didn't sleep at all last nite. i'm sorry for everything i've done and did - i messed up (admitting to it now?) and please give me a second chance. i'm going to change and i need you there to help me. please talk with me. please - i know you don't want to consider a second chance right now - but it kills me to know i won't have you in my life anymore but i'll do anything to get you back. anything. i can't just walk away. please don't leave me'

i told him not to call me for a few days. that i needed time to think.
he agreed.

right now he's probably leaving angry messages on a few friends machines', because they took me away from him -- which isn't fair. -

I took me away.
At least I think i did. I'm so confused by everything right now that I"m really not sure. He is very different with me. I've seen him shoot back and forth on moods when regarding other people, but his reaction to me is totally opposite to what I have prepared for, which is completely throwing me off.

I expected yelling messages when i dialed into my voicemail. I even held the phone away from my ear.

Instead, calmness. Reason. I'm so... fucking...confused.

While my logical reason knows it's kaput - the compassionate side wants to sit down and talk and work out some kind of compromise. to make him happy. to help him - but what about me?

what about me?

what the fuck do i do?

this would be a whole lot easier if i had a hot/generous/funny/caring/independent/babealicious manfriend in the wings.

Sleeping alone sucks ass. I don't miss the loneliness.

Scared

I contemplated this for a little bit.

Decided no. Then called anyone who i lean on for support for some security, and nobody answered.

So now i'm going to rely on me.

I'm scared. To be alone right now. And even though I'm not under any danger... i'm nervous of what will come when i decide to take action on a certain matter in the next few days.

If you live in Rapid, You can probably expect me home on Friday.

I should probably stop talking now because i'm most likely making anyone who's reading this nervous.

I'll be fine. But, like i said... feeling pretty alone right now. really needing someone. and wishing that i weren't repeating history here.

i pick the best guys...

The Positive Side of Unemployment

The positive side:when you finally do go into work... you fucking LOVE working.

Or at least I do.

I worked my white-girl ass off today. And loved it. I actually missed my boss, and paying bills, and doing payroll and reconciling accounts. It's fun spending someone else's money.

But not full time.

Just for today.

I'm thinking maybe grabbing about three part time jobs like that would be good. I wouldn't be overworked. I wouldn't be bored. Or maybe I just need something that allows me to feel busy. Move around a lot. I don't know.

I had the most horrendous dream last night.
Back in Flag, I visited all of my friends, who all had superb jobs in exactly the field they had always hoped. One friend was making school his forte. I was appauled when he opted for his masters after finishing 5 1/2 hours as an undergrad, three in law school, but I laughed whole-heartedly.

The whole, my friends are all fullfilling their destinies while i'm still sitting around going, "ner" was great, especially when i woke up at 9 and realized that reality really isn't much different right now. But, I suppose after two hours of laying in shaking (due to a caffiene intake at 12am - my boyfriend thought i was masterbating), I was thankful just to be sleeping.

How do you coffee drinkers Do it?

Not only did i appreciate work today, but I also welcomed gaping wounds onto my plate.

It started this morning when I was bending down to pick up my phone. Smacked my head on the corner of this metal lantern I have and was bleeding from the head for about 15 minutes.

Not as funny as the time I farted while playing jacks, leaned down to laugh at my self and split my eyebrow open on the kitchen counter. My mom was quick to my rescue with a big bag of frozen peas.

Later at work, I got a wicked nose bleed.
My boss told me to tip my head back.
I chose otherwise (after doing that at the age of 12, and having it drain into my stomach...i learned my lesson).

Now, my hands are a little covered in blood, as installing a Casement Air Conditioner is a mother fucking bitch, but god damn it. It's done.

And i'm one happy kid.

So i won't talk about all the unhappy tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I think I need a day to proccess (like cheese).

Wow...

This has really gotten sporadic and terribly lame.

I figured i'd sit down and write for just a minute. Though, with all of the change going on, and no real motivation as of late, i have no desire to write... but i've been thinking about it, so that counts, right?

So rather than talk about how my entire bathroom flooded today because of some clogging, or the three phillies games i hit up this weekend (because i'm with a philly boy, and hello --- could the rest of you philly born-and-bred tell me if it's mandatory for you to mention you are from philly every five seconds??), or the fact that i'm working on overcoming some serious fucking obstacles when it comes to my independence being compromised for a relationship (gag) -- i'd like to mention a really sweet bar i found a few weeks ago - and went back to on friday because.. psshhhh the owner is hot.

The Front Porch
Nestled on 15th Street between Larimer and Lawrence... right next to Zaidies on Writer's Square
[wish i could find you pictures or a website... but alas, i am without for now :-(]

i mean... hot won't change the diapers - but i'm so impressed by his taste in design and coolness with such a fucking sweet little set-up. The first time i went in, there was a vintage scooter sitting in the corner, which he said was for a friend of his, who had hers stolen the week before. They had a fund raiser and bought her a brand, spankin new moped..

Generous and great taste in design.

Leather couches, giant black and white photos, wooden window seats with giant, oversized pillows and a bar-height table that was carved from ONE PIECE OF WOOD (no screws). The back wall is covered in tree bark, which as soon as I have a steady income and incentive to spend it, i am heading to the great indoors to buy me some of that shtuff.

There's even a few slabs of chalkboard for in-coming bar-hoppers to sign their names. The outside marquee displays a name each day, and if you're name is it, you drink free all night. I'd say that's a pretty sweet deal. (if it ever says Samantha, will someone please call me?)

Observing establishments such as this... as well as friends of mine who are actually doing what they want, instead of wanting do something else while working for means in the mean time - i'm rearranging my priorities a little bit and trying to decide on something that i would actually like to contribute to, instead of just... well, you know --- making ends meet and actually - doing some really, really cool things - that i really hope are of approvement status by my family and closest friends.

Though, I have to admit --- i often think now, with a BS In Journalism... why the fuck didn't I major in something useful??? - something that everyone needs --- Nurses, Dental Assistants, Doctors, Vetrinarians, Yadah Yadah.

I'm the world's best Personal Assistant. Great. I"ll spend the rest of my life being someone's BITCH.

Don't you ever have those moments where you're lying in bed, watching tv and you think, 'what if i died tomorrow? the last thing i did was... nothing.'

i've been thinking up a list of 'to dos' that i've meant to write down (it's on my to do list) - but like i said, i haven't had the motivation.

hello.
if that andy melanockamoansosokous kid can get a show on mtv --- i'm pretty that we'll all be OK.

**[by the way... I sat in nose bleeds on Sat. Night - game was packed - next to a shitload of philly fans, and one from boston - sporting a red sox hat and raging attitude.

Best bash of the night (because some guy a few row up was wearing a yankees hat):
"Derek Jeter drinks Wine Coolers!"

ha. Curse words are too easy. THough, when he told him his girlfriend was fat and needed plastic surgery--- it went a little too far. I guess Bostonites love to be hated, huh?]**