Crappy Halloween!

Today Sucked.

This week sucked.

My life pretty much sucks right now.

Actually, my body is here, going through the motions, but my mental, emotional and spiritual beings have all checked out. Yeah, i 'm here going through the motions, but the rest of me has disapeared.

I'm on hiatus.

gone. -

Sign over your soul

I swear to god, when you Sign up for an account on AOL, you sell your sould to the devil.


Mind you, this wasn't a recent development, but something That i did when I was about 16.

SIXTEEN!

I'm nearly 24 (oh my god) and I've called AOL three (count them, THREE) times to cancel my account because why pay $30 bucks a month when you can get better e-mail for free?

I have valid reasons for canceling:

1. The only reason I use AOL is for e-mail.
2. Their f*#king search engine never works for me.
3. I have high-speed internet that I already pay $45/month for
4. Stupid whore-bag users IM me all the time trying to send me a virus.
5. I have f*$&ing google mail for free, which stores way more stuff and is way more convenient for me.


So every f*$&ing time I call, I get some AOL representive from India or South America that is reading off script and tries 9 million way to get me to stay.

"No. I want to cancel."

"But are you aware that AOL offers premier virus protection and you can keep your e-mail for $9.99 per month"

"Yep. Not interested. Thank you!"

So they decide to keep me on for free for one month --- if I still don't want it, i'm to call the day before my billing goes through to cancel.

Wait... isn't that what i'm doing RIGHT NOW?!

I say fine - whatever - mark it on my calendar and call back on the day to be reckoned with.

This time they do the same f*&king thing and wind up giving me AOL for one more month. GReAT. i have to f*$&ing call back one more f($*ing time. F$#(ing SUPER!

I didn't call back this time. I got busy --- But I did just got check my bank account and see a $28.90 charge for AOL.

F*#K!!!!!!

I called and bitched out April... who i feel really bad for, because I'm using all of these explicit deletes, but gosh dammit - if you would have just done what I asked the first time, THISWOULDN"T BE A F*&KING ISSUE!!!!

So they finally cancled. I still have to pay the $28.90 for last month, And now I have my e-mail free from the internet. WTF?!

F*&KING AOL! YOU ARE THE DEVIL!

Yay!

Squishy butt comes this weekend! :-)

That means, i'll be spending all weekend with two of my favorite girls and the squishy butt, who is only 5 months, but already 25 lbs. hahahahahaha.

SQUISHY!

I just finished up work --- going to walgreens for some prescription medicine to sleeeeeeeeep.

big fat sinus infection.

nothing interesting to report. deal with it.

Hault.

Isn't it interesting that you can call out "stop" anytime you want?

ON anything?

I mean, there's bad sex, the eating thing... your job, some girl walking across the street when the RED HAND IS FLASHING!!!! Of course... you don't Yell stop, you just keep driving and watch her yell at you as you speed away into traffic, nearly grazing her with your bumper.

Granted, it's not always completely up to you.

I often hear words coming out of my mouth that I wish I could stop. I sound too self-involved or insecurity screams through my comments --- and I hate that I can be so transparent. And just like anyone who hears me may think I"m trying to fool them, but I'm not. I hear it, too.

I wish I could say "STOP" to all of the things that I hate about myself. Random things, that I know I'm going to have to fix before I even have a shot in hell at settling up with someone (not that it's my ultimate goal, but it pretty much makes all the relationship stuff now a "moo" point).

I've been in this relationship which has been one/fifth fun beginning, two fifths headache and two more fifths laughing, gracing a pedastal while loved.

But the funny thing is, when I hear everyone comment about it, it makes me realize that I'm just as flawed. It's the little things... and when I see him act that way, I'm so disgusted and turned off... but disheartened because don't you attract people whom possess similar qualities as yourself?

In which case, i'm feeling pretty blah. There's the big heart, but impatient attitude. The raging insecurities that match mine on other levels. Maybe he expresses his frustrations out loud, but I think a lot of the same things. I think a lot of the time i even provoke the behavior just to start a confrontation and make him feel bad. Who's worse - or are we really a good match because of this?

I'll only say one more thing, and it's a Song that pretty much sums up how I feel about 45 % of th etime... Runs through my head a lot.

Matt Nathanson - Hold Me

Hold me
Save me from myself
I claim to be so righteous but I'm just like everyone else
I was judging you when I realized just how big a lie I lead
Hold me
I truly wish you could follow me in my walk through brilliance
But I've grown so much hollower and the paths have all grown dense
With vines of green, the color of envy
With vines of green, the color of jealousy
And it s funny but I hate it when you steal the spotlight from me
Hold me
I've no patience for hypocrites, I have no patience for fakes
I've no patience for those who make my same mistakes
So hold me

I am such a fraud

Jesus. Either I have a serious stick up my butt today or i've changed massively.

I swear i fucking hate the age of 23. I FUCKING HATE IT.

I just got in a fight with my mom (which hasn't happened since...oh... 1998) over... Ready? POLITICS. Gay. I don't even talk about politics. EVER! I'm ignorant and try to stay out of such topics beacause it causes arguements. And we're at a nice restraunt haveing a very nice dinner and I'm arguing, mostly because I just want to argue. I'm agreeing on sides - Yes, I'm a republican - the sytem/morals/policies are more to my favoring, but i'm sorry - bush is a mondo idiot sometimes! I wanted her point of view and she wasn't giving it to me. So I got mad.

All I wanted to do was rip out all of these hurtful things and throw them in her face about all this stuff that I"m resentful about because i'm raging insecure and she's a fucking rockstar, but don't because it's wrong, and I wouldn't want to hurt her that way - it's my shit, not hers.

Am I starting to grow apart from my mother? When the fuck did this happen!?
I hate it.

I'm driving home and I text message my friend to talk because dammit, i really need to talk to someone right now and the one I really want to talk to can't get my phone call because 1. he has no cell phone and 2. he is at his brother's house where his niece went to bed at 8pm and it's now 9:30 and I'm not allowed to call.

My friend just texts me to inform me of his new girlfriend from my home state (thanks) - so I call, he says he's at a club, i get mad and pretty much say fuck off (I told you - i'm a bitch today).

No love there... So I text the Hot Project, who btw lives THREE BLOCKS from me, and calls occasionaly to "check in" but had since laid off with me having had a boyfriend. I needed attention (lame) but I wanted to just Talk** (with him? I don't know why either...) I didn't honestly expect him to get back to me, but just as I'm having a screaming fit at home because my cat his SHIT ON MY BRAND NEW COMFORTER (the third time in three days), my phone rings and it's none-other than the Hottie himself, who i'm pretty sure would have hung out ALL Night Long (inapropriate) because, "Yeah, I don't have to work until 10:30." Smart, Sami. Smart.

As I was scrubbing the shit stain off the comforter in the sink, I told him I had to go and would call him in a bit, then texted him moments later saying I was having a breakdown and I'd talk to him when I was being more rational. I realy didn't plan on calling back at all, as i regreted the entire idea of being near his vascinity the minute I heard his voice on the other end of the phone.

What the fuck are we doing? Why do we even talk anymore?

I then proceeded to cry at volume 11 around my house for 30 minutes, bashing myself fairly consistently. I hate me. I hate my life. I hate who I am. I hate my fucking attitude. I hate my fucking friend and his fucking fraud behavior/lifestyle (who am I, or the lot of you to talk). I hate fucking everything.

And I think it is because I am sitting around in "my apartment" with five jobs, making no money, because apparently, in my tax bracket, the government gets 28% of my paycheck every week (which started the whole dinner debate) and my mom has just generously bought me all of this great apartment stuff, and spent the weekend with me, and i'm a big fucking fraud who'll never be able to have kids because i'm unstable as sin and can't pass that on to my children. FUCK!

Fucking ridiculous fraud child. I fucking hate you.

I do. And yeah, it'll probably pass - and yeah, i'm probably just in a mood, but god dammit, what a mood. I am a fucking loser. I fucking hate 23.

**why do we turn to exes for support? i'm not even drinking!?!?!?!?!?

And this is all the report of the day and I'm shutting the fuck up to go watch something that My mom and I both Love, and hopefully I will wake up in the morning and get over my attitude bullshit, get up and drive to the Condo and give a warm, heart-felt hug to all of my family so that they leave tomorrow to go back to South Dakota happy and I can go back to my pathetic little life here in Denver pretending that i"m actually making a difference in the world with my bullshit lifestyle. FUCK. At least I can keep it here so no one back home can see what a fucking fraud/loser I've become.

Unless, of course, they read this entry - in which case - i'm just having a bad day and using that fuck word a lot.

Questions... ANyone?

Can anyone tell me...

1.Why, when men 'walk' to get a sandwhich for lunch, do they throw their tie over their shoulder? Is it because they're affraid of getting a big sweat spot down the middle of their shirt?

Because now, the sweatspot is just going to be across their chest, shoulder and back.

Or is this just some fashion statement?


2. How could I be so enamoured with someone that looked like this when i was six:

Haha

3. What is the motivation for cleaning your house when you clean someone else's for a living? How do cleaning ladies do it? Seriously, you go home... sick of cleaning - and want to *fwomp* onto your couch. What is the motivation?

The only answer I can come up with, thus far: your mother is coming to visit.

4. What is the best method to flush **800 calories and 44 grams of fat from your system?

**This would not be so bad had it been consumed over the course of one, maybe two meals - but I scarfed this down in about 10 minutes while devouring a cupcake from Whole Foods Last Night. It wasn't until after it was already in my body that I realized how potent the calorie/fat ratio was. 800 CALORIES AND 44 GRAMS OF FAT!??!?!?!

5. I just took the "Which Laguna Beach Character Are You" quiz and was told that I'm Stephen. Does that mean I should have a Penis? Does it mean that I am a Lesbian? A Tomboy? Some girl that's really in touch with her masculine side? Or did the creator of this quiz just really blow it on the whole organization?

6. Is anyone interested in doing some web design for cheap $$/nothing at all? I've bought a domain and hosting, and while i'm clever with html/web management, I can't, for the life of me figure out how the bloody hell to start from complete scratch. mail me if you're into it.

Cliff's Notes

Hahahahahahahhaa.

Ha.

I just found a "Cliff's Notes," summarizing a lot of Bands in Denver.
Whoever wrote this is pretty funny - and dead honest.
I love brutal honesty



Band #5 –"dave matthewsish" - not from here – no local draw
Band #6 – local solo – have no friends
Band #14 - old people with no friends
Band #37 - very average local band with shitty attitude

There's good stuff, too --- Very talented local artist with decent draw, great performer, awesome promoters --- great drinking crowd, etc. etc. etc.

Shit flies around so much in music - but It made me think... How nice would it be if you could just get a Cliff's Notes on EVERYTHING in life - so you didn't waste time and money.

I mean, I could read What Color is your Parachute - Which I've bought, but it's about as think as a 8lb brick, and I don't feel like working that much to try and find my calling --- but if someone could make a Cliff's Notes I'd totally buy it.

Think of the possibilities.

Cliff's Notes on:

Diets:

Atkins/South Beach - Impossible - you'll eat your hand, then gain 20 lbs after you eat one bagel.
Grapefruit - Works, but you'll turn orange
Cabbage Soup - Healthy, but you'll turn green
Juice Fast - Will hit head on towel rack when you pass out in your bathroom after 2 hours













Ex-Boyfriends (names are changed. DUH!)

Daniel - Leo - world revolves around - center of attention - Penis has been in places I never want to know about. V. manipulative and convincing - if you choose to stay with this one, you will go through the same arguments on a regular basis (see: every 6-12 weeks).

Carlo - Egomaniacal Italian - Ignores reality so does not have to deal with consequences - runs away when confronted - frequent in bed, but horrible skills, small penis for such tall height. Other fuck-buddies will call WHILE you are having sex with him.

Alexander - Hot. Really Hot. Absurdly, cream your panties hot - but selfish in bed (read: You will never orgasm), aside from the cuddly sleeping (which is very nice), has same problem as Carlo, but you are able to be more accepting, as he is so hot.

Drew - Loving. Supportive. Puts you on pedastal and does/says lots of nice things for you. Great in bed, great member -
But jealous, insecure - raging insecure. You can be with him - and be happy, but you'll have to dumb down your greatest assets so he doesn't feel threatened/jealous. You will also have to stop being friends with other males.

I wonder if peeps started keeping tabs on all of these things, everything would get better. Maybe if we all stopped dating shitty people, they'd take the hint and realize they have to shape their shit up.

Or maybe if musicians knew that they were really awesome but had too much of the silver-spoon disease (i.e. Axel Rose, Howie Day), then maybe they knock off the shitty attitude and work on their flaws.

Or everyone would just be fighting. Maybe we'd actually keep the focus on America instead of trying to start wars in other countries?

Or maybe people should live where i live and realize that ignorance really is bliss. What you don't know, doesn't hurt you --- but i suppose it doesn't really make you better, either - and that blows ass.