I am such a fraud
Jesus. Either I have a serious stick up my butt today or i've changed massively.
I swear i fucking hate the age of 23. I FUCKING HATE IT.
I just got in a fight with my mom (which hasn't happened since...oh... 1998) over... Ready? POLITICS. Gay. I don't even talk about politics. EVER! I'm ignorant and try to stay out of such topics beacause it causes arguements. And we're at a nice restraunt haveing a very nice dinner and I'm arguing, mostly because I just want to argue. I'm agreeing on sides - Yes, I'm a republican - the sytem/morals/policies are more to my favoring, but i'm sorry - bush is a mondo idiot sometimes! I wanted her point of view and she wasn't giving it to me. So I got mad.
All I wanted to do was rip out all of these hurtful things and throw them in her face about all this stuff that I"m resentful about because i'm raging insecure and she's a fucking rockstar, but don't because it's wrong, and I wouldn't want to hurt her that way - it's my shit, not hers.
Am I starting to grow apart from my mother? When the fuck did this happen!?
I hate it.
I'm driving home and I text message my friend to talk because dammit, i really need to talk to someone right now and the one I really want to talk to can't get my phone call because 1. he has no cell phone and 2. he is at his brother's house where his niece went to bed at 8pm and it's now 9:30 and I'm not allowed to call.
My friend just texts me to inform me of his new girlfriend from my home state (thanks) - so I call, he says he's at a club, i get mad and pretty much say fuck off (I told you - i'm a bitch today).
No love there... So I text the Hot Project, who btw lives THREE BLOCKS from me, and calls occasionaly to "check in" but had since laid off with me having had a boyfriend. I needed attention (lame) but I wanted to just Talk** (with him? I don't know why either...) I didn't honestly expect him to get back to me, but just as I'm having a screaming fit at home because my cat his SHIT ON MY BRAND NEW COMFORTER (the third time in three days), my phone rings and it's none-other than the Hottie himself, who i'm pretty sure would have hung out ALL Night Long (inapropriate) because, "Yeah, I don't have to work until 10:30." Smart, Sami. Smart.
As I was scrubbing the shit stain off the comforter in the sink, I told him I had to go and would call him in a bit, then texted him moments later saying I was having a breakdown and I'd talk to him when I was being more rational. I realy didn't plan on calling back at all, as i regreted the entire idea of being near his vascinity the minute I heard his voice on the other end of the phone.
What the fuck are we doing? Why do we even talk anymore?
I then proceeded to cry at volume 11 around my house for 30 minutes, bashing myself fairly consistently. I hate me. I hate my life. I hate who I am. I hate my fucking attitude. I hate my fucking friend and his fucking fraud behavior/lifestyle (who am I, or the lot of you to talk). I hate fucking everything.
And I think it is because I am sitting around in "my apartment" with five jobs, making no money, because apparently, in my tax bracket, the government gets 28% of my paycheck every week (which started the whole dinner debate) and my mom has just generously bought me all of this great apartment stuff, and spent the weekend with me, and i'm a big fucking fraud who'll never be able to have kids because i'm unstable as sin and can't pass that on to my children. FUCK!
Fucking ridiculous fraud child. I fucking hate you.
I do. And yeah, it'll probably pass - and yeah, i'm probably just in a mood, but god dammit, what a mood. I am a fucking loser. I fucking hate 23.
**why do we turn to exes for support? i'm not even drinking!?!?!?!?!?
And this is all the report of the day and I'm shutting the fuck up to go watch something that My mom and I both Love, and hopefully I will wake up in the morning and get over my attitude bullshit, get up and drive to the Condo and give a warm, heart-felt hug to all of my family so that they leave tomorrow to go back to South Dakota happy and I can go back to my pathetic little life here in Denver pretending that i"m actually making a difference in the world with my bullshit lifestyle. FUCK. At least I can keep it here so no one back home can see what a fucking fraud/loser I've become.
Unless, of course, they read this entry - in which case - i'm just having a bad day and using that fuck word a lot.
I swear i fucking hate the age of 23. I FUCKING HATE IT.
I just got in a fight with my mom (which hasn't happened since...oh... 1998) over... Ready? POLITICS. Gay. I don't even talk about politics. EVER! I'm ignorant and try to stay out of such topics beacause it causes arguements. And we're at a nice restraunt haveing a very nice dinner and I'm arguing, mostly because I just want to argue. I'm agreeing on sides - Yes, I'm a republican - the sytem/morals/policies are more to my favoring, but i'm sorry - bush is a mondo idiot sometimes! I wanted her point of view and she wasn't giving it to me. So I got mad.
All I wanted to do was rip out all of these hurtful things and throw them in her face about all this stuff that I"m resentful about because i'm raging insecure and she's a fucking rockstar, but don't because it's wrong, and I wouldn't want to hurt her that way - it's my shit, not hers.
Am I starting to grow apart from my mother? When the fuck did this happen!?
I hate it.
I'm driving home and I text message my friend to talk because dammit, i really need to talk to someone right now and the one I really want to talk to can't get my phone call because 1. he has no cell phone and 2. he is at his brother's house where his niece went to bed at 8pm and it's now 9:30 and I'm not allowed to call.
My friend just texts me to inform me of his new girlfriend from my home state (thanks) - so I call, he says he's at a club, i get mad and pretty much say fuck off (I told you - i'm a bitch today).
No love there... So I text the Hot Project, who btw lives THREE BLOCKS from me, and calls occasionaly to "check in" but had since laid off with me having had a boyfriend. I needed attention (lame) but I wanted to just Talk** (with him? I don't know why either...) I didn't honestly expect him to get back to me, but just as I'm having a screaming fit at home because my cat his SHIT ON MY BRAND NEW COMFORTER (the third time in three days), my phone rings and it's none-other than the Hottie himself, who i'm pretty sure would have hung out ALL Night Long (inapropriate) because, "Yeah, I don't have to work until 10:30." Smart, Sami. Smart.
As I was scrubbing the shit stain off the comforter in the sink, I told him I had to go and would call him in a bit, then texted him moments later saying I was having a breakdown and I'd talk to him when I was being more rational. I realy didn't plan on calling back at all, as i regreted the entire idea of being near his vascinity the minute I heard his voice on the other end of the phone.
What the fuck are we doing? Why do we even talk anymore?
I then proceeded to cry at volume 11 around my house for 30 minutes, bashing myself fairly consistently. I hate me. I hate my life. I hate who I am. I hate my fucking attitude. I hate my fucking friend and his fucking fraud behavior/lifestyle (who am I, or the lot of you to talk). I hate fucking everything.
And I think it is because I am sitting around in "my apartment" with five jobs, making no money, because apparently, in my tax bracket, the government gets 28% of my paycheck every week (which started the whole dinner debate) and my mom has just generously bought me all of this great apartment stuff, and spent the weekend with me, and i'm a big fucking fraud who'll never be able to have kids because i'm unstable as sin and can't pass that on to my children. FUCK!
Fucking ridiculous fraud child. I fucking hate you.
I do. And yeah, it'll probably pass - and yeah, i'm probably just in a mood, but god dammit, what a mood. I am a fucking loser. I fucking hate 23.
**why do we turn to exes for support? i'm not even drinking!?!?!?!?!?
And this is all the report of the day and I'm shutting the fuck up to go watch something that My mom and I both Love, and hopefully I will wake up in the morning and get over my attitude bullshit, get up and drive to the Condo and give a warm, heart-felt hug to all of my family so that they leave tomorrow to go back to South Dakota happy and I can go back to my pathetic little life here in Denver pretending that i"m actually making a difference in the world with my bullshit lifestyle. FUCK. At least I can keep it here so no one back home can see what a fucking fraud/loser I've become.
Unless, of course, they read this entry - in which case - i'm just having a bad day and using that fuck word a lot.
posted by Sami Jo at
11:01 PM
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