Flight 101: Prepare for Take Off:

I'm finding out more and more each year that i'm great at the motivation/getting started part... terrible at the follow through.

Examples?:

1. Pi Beta Phi: I know.
Me.
In a sorority.

When I finally arrived at college, I was DYING to be part of greek life. Despite people's negative views, it's a great way to meet fabulous friends, keep you on track with school and get involved with the community.

Hell, some people even make life-long careers out of their greek experience.

My very first week of college, I got up at 7am to get bid sheets, spent countless hours during rush smiling so much my face hurt, digesting tic tacs to keep the breath decent and talking about who I was, where I came from, why I was wearing a sweater when it was 70 degrees outside. Ha.

Six days later, i was accepted into Pi Beta Phi - a group of really beautiful, brainy, diverse women. And I got to be part of the crowd. Fun stuff!

One year, tons of parties, study hours and community service later, I wasn't sure If I would return to NAU in Flagstaff, So I resigned (i think mostly to please a boy), and now that I"m finding all of the old girls on Myspace, I'm wondering if I had stuck with it, if I'd have a lot more tight-knit friends, a handsome, reliable hubby, and a little more of my life figured out...

I seriously think I'd be married by now... and wouldn't that just be funny?

2. College: Man I miss college.
So much so that I'm seriously considering going back in September.

Continuing from Point #1 though...
That second semester, I did end up back in Flag (because of a boy). My living situation was aweful, the guy ended up being a total fraud of what he had portrayed to me over the summer, and so when that semester was up, I was OUT.

Don't get be wrong, my academics were soaring, and I was in the best shape of my life. Focus 1000% of your energy toward school so that you don't think about the rest of your problems, then take WAY too much ephedra in order to try and look hot for a guy (because ephedra = eating nothing and working out three hours a day), and you're going to get these results...

But I called home crying, and let other people talk me into moving home being a good idea, until I figured out where else I wanted to go.

(Hmm... maybe I need to start doing things for myself instead of everyone around me. haha)

The trip home proved to be useful for a lot of other people... I was sort of a grounding post, so I felt useful, and therefore fullfilled. But when it came time to head back out (I was thinking a wicked cool art school in Chicago, or attending University of Puget Sound on the ocean), time was skinny and I had to:

A. Stay home
B. Go back to Flag.

Flag it is, because I couldn't be at home any longer.
Everything turned out keen... and despite moving around a little bit, I'm sure I graduated in four years because if I had taken any longer, I would have gotten bored and quit... but what if I had gone to Chicago? Or Puget Sound?

I'd either be:

A: fat from all the drinking and delish pizza
B: Some ocean chic living in a sweet loft with a hopefully even sweeter boyfriend.

3. My second Move home:
I've kept it pretty under wraps with friends... but I moved back home for awhile.
Denver was great. I needed a change in pace - so instead of being Flighty and doing everything half-assed, I really went all out.

We're talking: putting on the big girl pants and getting a "career" job.
buying a house.
being near family again.

This is all well and good except that my heart and happiness are still in the big city, either waiting for my body to come back or to move on to another thriving big-city scene.

And don't take that as me insulting home or all the people who live here... because i love all of that dearly, but this just isn't for me.

I keep telling myself, "it's only 6 months... it's only 6 months" but i'm sliding every-so-slowly toward two, and having a hard time seeing how I'm going to last four months more.

Amen to the best friends in the world for keeping me busy, and the great job I have to keep me creative, and busy... but this week has been unbelievably hard on me.

And I know you can do anything for a year, and "six months is just a drop in the bucket of life," but what if I die within those next six months and my last time on earth was spent doing something I wasn't happy doing?

That bothers me to no end...

4. Every flippin' day: Do you know how often I get all excited and wound up about a project, but it just never really comes to flourition for me. You can ask a friend of mine who invited me to start a business with her. All sickness, five jobs and strife aside... I just didn't follow through.

And it's sad, because I genuinely want to. On everything i get exciteda bout.
The motivation... the drive is there.
But for some god damn reason, I can't bring myself to finish.

So then I wonder...
How the fuck did I finish school?
How am I a functioning human being?

Back to real life...

I'm sitting at work with this amazing project in my hands, but i have no motivation, therefore, the fear of failure has become completely realized, and of course you can see my frustration and depression this week are entirely too real...

Home was supposed to refresh and revive me... instead, I just feel like all my insecurities and doubts have not only surfaced, but are beating me around with a big, giant, whipping stick!

Sorry to be such a downer. I hope everyone is thriving. I will be soon...