Hrmm..

I'm really realizing this weekend just how fickle i am.
Letting other people decide my life path for me...
Going with it, then dodging things last minute.
Stressing about things that are completely in my control, but instead of just ripping off the god damn bandaid, i wait around for someone else to do it for me.

what. the. fuck. is my problem?
i am putting myself through absolute misery because i can't step up and make a fucking decision.
i'm fucked. for life.
completely fucked.

this is so fucking frustrating... but letting that peverbial 'band-aid' hang half-off the wound allows me to go to and from each thing without completely closing any door. i hate closing doors. i hate it. hate it. hate it. Oh yeah, did i mention, i hate it?

ok. so here's the book idea i've been watiting for...
life started when i finally ripped off that band aid.
maybe i should just start hashing shit out all over the place, and see where it takes me. and then call the book "burning bridges" or stick with the whole bandaid theme and put some hot girls' arm with some picked-off bandaid hanging loosely from her pale, white skin...
Actually... I think i'd call it something like... On/OFF:Autopilot

Yeah... there it is. there's the book. and it'll be all awe-inspiring to millions of girls just dying to have the book made into the next big movie, oprah adds it to her book club, and then i don't have to do jack shit for the rest of my life!

it's a plan!

ugh. i feel so gross. can't my option be: curl up in a ball and be depressed?
cause that's how i feel.

at least i've started sneezing again. this is the first time in about three weeks.
woo.

*::but i'll learn to get by...on the little victories::*

trailed by a mess
of masking tape construction paper
and the best of intentions
he tried to patch up every hole as he went
back and forth and back again
and his friends half full of half concerns
embarassed looks and tired words
they burrowed deeper into the ignorant
little lives they preferred
and he envied their distance
their lack of concern
he thought,
Once I shed the whole of me...
Once I shed the whole of me...




Then I'll be smiling.

They litter me with small awareness'
then they ask if i'm good enough
they litter me with small awarenesses
just to wake me up
why do the fools wake me up...?

oooh! i went the lyric route. you know i'm bummed out when i go there.
arg.