Heaven Knows...

The last few days have been diff-i-cult.

After an appearance on my doorstep thursday evening and a fourth-attempted phone call, i finally answered my cell phone to try and settle some really messy bullshit.

And the thing is... I didn't even accuse:

"Do You have something you've been meaning to tell me?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The tour..."
"Oh...That Girl..."

Eleven times i heard the story of what really happened.

Eleven.

If someone called you on something - and you didn't do it - you'd be upset.
But would you get defensive and tell your side eleven times?
Then threaten to hurt the people who told me?

But when someone brings something terrible like this to your attention, who would you trust when you've known both people for an equal amount of time? One your boyfriend (the accused) - and one your close friend (who seemingly saw this shit go down)?

Who has something to lose, here?

I set the phone down on the desk and let him yell for 30 minutes - using words that aren't even in my vocabulary - and frankly, scaring the bajeebus out of me.

Which shouldn't really, because he's just all talk.

I knew he was lieing through his teeth. Weird, because he's exceptionally good at it and it's painfull easy to see through.

But the stories of his reality just flow out so smoothly it really has you second guessing yourself.

I mean, if there were some kind of awards show for "Manipulator of the Year" -he'd have a pretty good shot at ending up on the winner's podium - spurting out a speech about what it took to get him there.

Instead, I said - "I believe you. Thanks for clearing things up. I appreciate that."

The next morning, I packed two bags.

One for me to take back to South Dakota.
Another to leave for this boy with a note. A kind, yet stern note.

I dropped the contents of his bag where I knew he would be heading, along with my v. short letter and some cash he'd left in my possession (for me, mind you) and then shut off my phone.

Somewhere around Cheyenne I re-established power and found I had one voicemail message.

I knew what was to come, so I wanted to empty out my voice mailbox periodically.

Six phone calls spilled in within the next five minutes. Just one message.

An hour and a half later - another phone call from the pay phone outside of my house.
As soon as I listened to the voicemail message, I knew this whole process was going to be difficult.

Now - i have to admit right now, that I have a small little thing for drama. Party because I'm a writer, and as situations happen, i'm always thinking of how the whole situation would look on paper.

You all watch shitty reality TV - you stop and gape when you drive by an accident. If you've ever been in a relationship, you secretly hope that it will go somewhat like your favorite movie. Even the break-up scene. Drama is rich. It's full-bodied. If it were packaged as a beer, you'd by it by the case.

Three more phone calls came in that evening. The messages were really, really depressing. My heart nearly broke in two.

At about 1:09am Saturday morning, I was out with two of my best girlfriends and started feeling sad. So I called his friends' phones (he has no cell phone) and left two messages.

At 3am, i still hadn't recieved a call back, so I cried myself to sleep because my thot proccess told me - 'he is up in the mountains fucking some girl from the bar because he's hurt/upset by what i did today.'

which i know in my gut is totally untrue - but that insecurity is now open for scrutiny because of actions he took two months ago.

and, mind you again, something i'm not really that angry about. it's all about the lieing/attitude.

i was awoken this morning at 11am by another phone call.

this time:
i answered.
i listened.
for twenty minutes.

lots of 'i didn't sleep at all last nite. i'm sorry for everything i've done and did - i messed up (admitting to it now?) and please give me a second chance. i'm going to change and i need you there to help me. please talk with me. please - i know you don't want to consider a second chance right now - but it kills me to know i won't have you in my life anymore but i'll do anything to get you back. anything. i can't just walk away. please don't leave me'

i told him not to call me for a few days. that i needed time to think.
he agreed.

right now he's probably leaving angry messages on a few friends machines', because they took me away from him -- which isn't fair. -

I took me away.
At least I think i did. I'm so confused by everything right now that I"m really not sure. He is very different with me. I've seen him shoot back and forth on moods when regarding other people, but his reaction to me is totally opposite to what I have prepared for, which is completely throwing me off.

I expected yelling messages when i dialed into my voicemail. I even held the phone away from my ear.

Instead, calmness. Reason. I'm so... fucking...confused.

While my logical reason knows it's kaput - the compassionate side wants to sit down and talk and work out some kind of compromise. to make him happy. to help him - but what about me?

what about me?

what the fuck do i do?

this would be a whole lot easier if i had a hot/generous/funny/caring/independent/babealicious manfriend in the wings.

Sleeping alone sucks ass. I don't miss the loneliness.