Reflecting...
I've been thinking that the first time a significant other says "i Love you," it's a pretty damn big deal.
I remember the first time anyone non-related with a penis had ever said it to me --- and nearly a year later, how it has become such a common uttering between us.
On a drive home up to my Lakewood Apartment, we were blaring DMB in my car and he got all serious.
"I have something I want to say, but I'm kind of scared to say it, because it's so soon."
"Please don't say it then...," I quickly replied.
Not because I didn't adore him back, but because it had only been five weeks or so, and commitment scared the bajebus out of me.
About a week or two later, we were packing up all of my stuff so that I'd be ready to move into my new apartment in the Highlands.
He had brought up this guy that had come to visit just a week prior and had asked exactly what the deal was.
"Yeah," I said. "He was pretty much the love of my life."
I remember he paused, TV in arms.
Oh god. Did I just say that?
He set the T.V. down and looked at me. "So... what the hell are you doing with me? You never make sense?!" (i really don't...)
I yelled out some argumentative phrases that I knew would allow me to win the argument, then jetted off to the kitchen to angrily pack up some dishes. He followed, and began to paint my dining room as I huffed in the corner and pretended like I couldn't have been more insulted that he had just said something so rudely to me.
"Just because I said he WAS doesn't mean he still IS.. I'm with you. I want you. What the hell!?! Why would I help you out so much? Why would I do all of this for you if I didn't care about you?!?!!"
And then that three letter phrase that every normal human being longs to hear came spilling out his mouth...
"I just get so confused and you say those things about some other guy and god, I don't even want to say it but I LOVE You. I am in LOVE WITH YOU."
I just sat there quiet. Crying.
I can't believe I that came out at THAT moment.
I didn't say it back. I think I had too much pride in that moment for feeling so guilty and horrible that the words didn't come.
And I think it was so difficult because to me, it's what you do, not what you say, and every little thing I had been doing for him had screamed levels of "I love you..." and i figured he just should have known.
But then, after I slammed a few dishes into a box, let some akward silence pass, and really got the gusto to appreciate what just happened... it all just passed... and despite all the shit that's flown over the last year... he's been spending every single day of his life making sure that I know just how much he meant those words the first time he said them...
Odd isn't it? I thought moving away may change things... but it has had the opposite effect. And for those of you who think i'm crazy... then so be it... let's sit back and judge all of your past relationship bullshit. :-)
I remember the first time anyone non-related with a penis had ever said it to me --- and nearly a year later, how it has become such a common uttering between us.
On a drive home up to my Lakewood Apartment, we were blaring DMB in my car and he got all serious.
"I have something I want to say, but I'm kind of scared to say it, because it's so soon."
"Please don't say it then...," I quickly replied.
Not because I didn't adore him back, but because it had only been five weeks or so, and commitment scared the bajebus out of me.
About a week or two later, we were packing up all of my stuff so that I'd be ready to move into my new apartment in the Highlands.
He had brought up this guy that had come to visit just a week prior and had asked exactly what the deal was.
"Yeah," I said. "He was pretty much the love of my life."
I remember he paused, TV in arms.
Oh god. Did I just say that?
He set the T.V. down and looked at me. "So... what the hell are you doing with me? You never make sense?!" (i really don't...)
I yelled out some argumentative phrases that I knew would allow me to win the argument, then jetted off to the kitchen to angrily pack up some dishes. He followed, and began to paint my dining room as I huffed in the corner and pretended like I couldn't have been more insulted that he had just said something so rudely to me.
"Just because I said he WAS doesn't mean he still IS.. I'm with you. I want you. What the hell!?! Why would I help you out so much? Why would I do all of this for you if I didn't care about you?!?!!"
And then that three letter phrase that every normal human being longs to hear came spilling out his mouth...
"I just get so confused and you say those things about some other guy and god, I don't even want to say it but I LOVE You. I am in LOVE WITH YOU."
I just sat there quiet. Crying.
I can't believe I that came out at THAT moment.
I didn't say it back. I think I had too much pride in that moment for feeling so guilty and horrible that the words didn't come.
And I think it was so difficult because to me, it's what you do, not what you say, and every little thing I had been doing for him had screamed levels of "I love you..." and i figured he just should have known.
But then, after I slammed a few dishes into a box, let some akward silence pass, and really got the gusto to appreciate what just happened... it all just passed... and despite all the shit that's flown over the last year... he's been spending every single day of his life making sure that I know just how much he meant those words the first time he said them...
Odd isn't it? I thought moving away may change things... but it has had the opposite effect. And for those of you who think i'm crazy... then so be it... let's sit back and judge all of your past relationship bullshit. :-)
posted by Sami Jo at
3:06 PM
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