It must suck to be...

Jessica Simpson.

Honestly, every day, a girl or seven break up with their head-over-heels boyfriends to move on to big, usually not-better things.

Jessica Simpson breaks up with Nick Lachey because:

First: she has been rumored to have cheated with the likes of Johnny Knoxville (he's married, with child), Bam Margera and Adam Lavine (who, i'm sorry... has already been promised to Erin black!)

Ok... she's super christian girl who started singing because God blew some wind up her back, and now she's slutting around all over Hollywood?

I doubt it.

Second: she was done with Newlyweds. The show molded them into who they were supposed to be, not who they actually were, thus making the couple grow apart.

I guess that would work, since that pretty much makes it all our fault.

This: she has a creepy relationship with her father (barf), who never liked Lachey to begin with.

*shudders like Mr. Burns.* He just creeps me out hardcore, so I'm not touching that one with, well... any kind of stick-shaped object.

Either way, aren't we lucky that when we lowly, non-celebrity girls decide to go through with cutting ties, we get to snip and go? If all of my ex's got to take such a ride out of the breakup like Mr. 98 degrees here, I think I'd blow a gasket.

We have:

*::An Entire Album devoted to the break up
*::TWO(+?) cover-story articles (Teen People, US Weekly and Rolling Stone on "my side of the story" that clearly doesn't bash Jess, but is sort of a plee for, "please take me back... i still love you... and look - i'm not even publicly slamming you But I am... flexing my Raging Biceps and Washboard Abs! Look at those Lips. You love me!"

You know what... I'd say, "stay true to form and start a damn show about it!" but...

*::Nick already has A 1/2 hour series on MTV about the proccess of the album and how it came to be (which reverts us back to the break-up).

Oh. My Gawd!

I'm not stickin' up for Jess by any means, because I've never been a huge fan, but If I had to put up with that whiney, pansy-ass, little boy bullshit in a break-up that Lachey is throwing out... I'd hire some serious Mafia.