Strange M.O.

Why are some people just born with the knowledge of those ONE or TWO Things they're extremely passionate about in life.

You have the Rachel Raes.... Emeril Lagassi's... Martha Stewarts.

"Hey I know, I want to be the most powerful black woman in all the land."

I don't know about drive and motivation to succeed, but these people somehow knew they were destined to be great in what they love from day one.

And i have that motivation.... and i will succeed, but i have no bloody idea in what.
WHy can't I have some sort of idea of what I want to really pour my life's work into?

No, when I was 7, I didn't imagine working in Marketing... compiling spreadsheet after god damn spreadsheet of information that a million other people that really love their jobs can use...

I am a computer master. I know the ins and outs... I'm fast, I'm smart... But just because I"m good at it doesn't mean I like it.

And so I'm left loving my life, but not loving the way I support it, and when I look at all of the elder people around me in my job and see how they treat their jobs (In just at 8, and flying out of the drive way at 5), it makes me sad because they'll continue in that pattern just doing what they do and not ever enjoying it.

I don't want to be one of those people....

I'm dying to fix as I enter into the second half of my twenties.
I just need some decidedness and followthrough... Help.

There she is...

I"m taking a moment to update this sucker since i can't really cruise over here for short spurts of time during work to update this deal.

I finally have enough to do.

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss.

Plus, who really wanted to look at dead bodies right at the top there anymore?
not i, said the cat.


You know that second amidst tragedy where everything seems clear, no matter how dramatic it seems - and you can finally express every mood; ever word; everthing you couldn't express before?

Sure you do, because this moment is only periodic... and when it's so refreshing to have such a clarifying moment, then it is pulled out of your grasp just moments after you've settled deep into it's warm spot - you have remnants of this feeling.

It's overwhelming.
It's genuine.
It helps you make decisions.
And it's not really sad... but it's a little looming... and can cause terminal time spans of... numbness.

I've been stuck in this "moment" for about a week now... more teetering on the edge of it---

No...That's not right.

More, like this particular moment is a giant swamp of mud and my right foot is deeply implanted . Feels kind of good -Kind of gross.

I think anything luke-warm and squishy would do that to you.

But for all of you who wish you could hang out a little longer when you do experience this very glimmer of hope - i'm here to tell you that over-staying your welcome isn't exactly the cat's pajamas...

Other than that... i've been reading a lot.
of books.
mostly because i haven't been able to use my writing outlet... and I think, just like good chocolate - i've been in dire need of some good expression.

Inspiration.

Just some sort of driving force, because i really feel like crawling into the passenger seat and letting someone else take over for awhile.

Until a better day...