Garbage Man Feuds, Stolen Goods, and One Hell-of-an Arm-Ornament
Most likely, those of you who read this check out CraigsList from time to time. This little haven is the number one stop for apartments, dating, jobs, etc. Hell... it's where I found my job, and where I used to spend a lot of my early morning hours seeking out potential furnishings for my then, new apartment.
My good friend, John is an avid fan... and sent me a Best Of Craigslist. Please don't visit the link unless you have time to kill, because you will...get... sucked...in.
John gives it a big thumbs up.
Here are a few examples as to why:
To My New Friend With My Palm and Cell Phone:
Thanks so much far holding my cell and Palm for a while, apparently you plan on taking control of my life, because I needed those two things in order to survive. I was wondering if you could do a few favors for me since you have those two items of mine. When my ex calls could you tell her that her services are no longer needed. I have moved on and unless she gets a drunken call from me after midnight I am over her. (Which I can no longer do, since you have my cell phone, so whatever.) Her name is Debby, she is in the Speed Dial under “Phat Booty.” My cousin will probably call next week wanting me to help winterize his boat, why he waits till almost December for this is beyond me, please tell him I do not use his boat and a six pack of warm beer is not enough to get me to stand in the cold for 4 hours while he decides how the cover fits on. When my boss calls for the Thursday reports tell him my clients are happy and I will be a little late on Monday (I have to get a new cell phone.) On my Palm Pilot there is just about everything in the world that matters to me, so I am sure it is not that big of a deal to you. Please do not beat my high score on Tetris, it took me a friggin’ hour to get that. I have a memo unprotected with a few of the passwords that I use for websites. Please help yourself to some Levenger items. (they have some expensive pens that I am sure you would appreciate.) If you hurt yourself breaking into my car go ahead and order some bandaids and peroxide. I do not want you to get an infection. If you get a chance, on my Palm, there is my list of birthdays for all my friends, I will give you money for the cards if you could send them out next year. Thanks. I have “in da club” as the ringer for my phone, (which I am sure you know since I have been calling my cell for 2 days now.) I like that ringer a lot, but if you must change it, go ahead. Oh crap, I almost forgot, I have the chargers for these items, I can get them to you if you like. I figured you have a day or two on both items and they might need to be plugged in. Let me know if there is a good time to meet and I can get these to you. Thanks.
Me
Posted: Friday, Nov. 19 14:05:56 2004
Boston, Mass.
this is in or around Boston
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Blood Feud With My Garbage Man
I'm in the middle of a feud. I wish it was with someone louche and questionable, because then at least my feud would be slightly cool. But no, my feud is with my garbage man. And I'm going to win this feud, so help me. I'm close to meeting him at the curb with a glove to slap his stupid face so I can challenge him to a duel.
For a little background on my feud, I rent a house with six other guys. We all take turns doing the garbage duty, but somehow I always end up doing it because the other guys "forget". This sucks because they are all men and I'm an innocent girl who should never have to touch garbage, but I guess I went on and on about women's equality and how I'm as good as they are and they believed me and now I'm stuck doing "man's work." Note to self: keep feminist ideas quiet.
Back to my feud - about two or three months ago, our garbage man left us a cute little note. No, he wasn't thanking us for all the quality garbage we produce (a metric ton of bottles and cans and porn), he was complaining because we "put our cans too close together and they must be at least four feet apart." He left this note on top of our still full garbage cans that he refused to pick up.
Of course we had just had a party, so there were all sorts of decomposing items in the garbage can that had to sit around for another week, in addition to the new garbage we accumulated. I was the only one who was pissed off about this, because I'm a woman and I'm averse to rotting garbage scenting my home. The other guys didn't even notice, but these are guys who think their gaseous emissions smell like Chanel No. 5, so I was the only one who seemed bothered.
The next garbage pickup, I carefully observed the 4 foot rule, as well as the rule of not exceeding the capacity of the can. I was a regular Sanitary Poster Child. I gave good garbage. And our garbage was picked up, so all was well, until one night I happened to look down at the rest of the garbage cans on our street and I noticed that our neighbor's cans were closer together than 4 feet, like so close they were touching. And yet their garbage was being picked up. Well, I'll be fucked sideways. If my neighbor's garbage cans can touch, so can mine.
Next garbage day, I put the cans close together. That night, I came home to find one of our cans, open, laying on it's side. The other can was sideways at the other end of the driveway. But the rest of the block, all their garbage cans were neatly lined up and TOUCHING. And thus, it was on. The feud had begun.
Every week, I've deliberately put the garbage cans together (like the rest of the street), and every week, our cans are fucked up. Knocked over. Akimbo. Today I was fed up, so I put the garbage cans together and then at the ungodly hour of 5:15 am, I watched the garbage man from a hidden corner on our porch. The fucker dumped our garbage into the truck and then looked around before knocking over one of our empty cans with his foot.
At this point, I sprang out of the shadows and said, "Why the fuck did you do that?" It was kind of funny to watch him jump. He recovered quickly though, and with an extremely surly tone he said he was fed up with our cans being too close every week. I said, "Well, what about the rest of the block? See their cans? Yeah, they're all touching, yet you don't abuse their cans. What the fuck?"
Here's where the story just gets bizarre, as per usual in my life. The garbage man (who looks like he just came from the local biker bar) picks up one of our garbage cans and chucks it into the back of his truck, gets in the truck, and the driver starts to drive away. I stood in awe until my anger took over again and I ran up along side the truck, just in time to be treated to his grinning face and his middle finger.
Now we only have one garbage can. All I'm going to say is, hell hath no fury. Do we not pay for this service? I have a feeling that dealing with the sanitation department is going to be like dealing with the DMV - I'm going to get fucked. There's probably some rule I don't know about, like: Never fuck with your garbage man. We'll probably all have to move because I tried to take them on.
This is a complaint from yesterday, but it still stands today: I hate people who say, "Happy Hump Day!" on Wednesdays. They are the same people who say, "T.G.I.F!" and "Looks like someone's got a bad case of the Mondays!" (and they aren't being sarcastic and quoting Office Space either) and "It's raining so hard, I had to swim into work! Quack, quack!" I hate you and I hope you trip over your Payless shoes.
Posted Thursday, Nov. 18 10:31:26, 2004
Washington, D.C.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hot Jewish Girls Looking To Piss Off Parents, Apply Within:
Are you hot, Jewish and looking to piss off your parents?
Then look no further...
What I have to offer is the Total Parental Approval Annihilation Package.
(Bring me home and your parents will give you a new car just to dump me, guaranteed.)
Package includes:
~ One bitter Drunk (fine single malt scotch not included).
~ Many highly visible tattoos.
~ Tasteless jokes and poor table manners.
~ Numerous mispronunciations and cultural insensitivities like "Chan-a-ka"
and the irrepressible "Ch-al-la bread".
...and much more.
Terms and Conditions:
+Purchaser of said package (hereafter girlfriend) agrees to
provide numerous car rides, including late night rides home from bar after
Total Parental Approval Annihilation Package technician (hereafter
boyfriend) has missed the last train.
+Girlfriend agrees to bare all costs associated with developing and
maintaining boyfriend's bitter drunken state.
+Girlfriend agrees to not hold boyfriend liable for any damages he may
incur while operating aforementioned new vehicle.
+Girlfriend agrees to frequent sexual encounters with boyfriend, with a
typical duration of 10 minutes. (Foreplay is available as an option, however
foreplay will only apply for the first month.)
+Maximum commitment is for six months and 50% of what ever sum parents
offer to be rid of boyfriend.
+Boyfriend is not responsible for any sum of money "borrowed".
All transactions are final.
I look forward to hearing from you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That being said...America is so full of potential, and all of us who spend the time reading these have just as much time on our hands as those people posting. ha!
Iy de mi.
My good friend, John is an avid fan... and sent me a Best Of Craigslist. Please don't visit the link unless you have time to kill, because you will...get... sucked...in.
John gives it a big thumbs up.
Here are a few examples as to why:
To My New Friend With My Palm and Cell Phone:
Thanks so much far holding my cell and Palm for a while, apparently you plan on taking control of my life, because I needed those two things in order to survive. I was wondering if you could do a few favors for me since you have those two items of mine. When my ex calls could you tell her that her services are no longer needed. I have moved on and unless she gets a drunken call from me after midnight I am over her. (Which I can no longer do, since you have my cell phone, so whatever.) Her name is Debby, she is in the Speed Dial under “Phat Booty.” My cousin will probably call next week wanting me to help winterize his boat, why he waits till almost December for this is beyond me, please tell him I do not use his boat and a six pack of warm beer is not enough to get me to stand in the cold for 4 hours while he decides how the cover fits on. When my boss calls for the Thursday reports tell him my clients are happy and I will be a little late on Monday (I have to get a new cell phone.) On my Palm Pilot there is just about everything in the world that matters to me, so I am sure it is not that big of a deal to you. Please do not beat my high score on Tetris, it took me a friggin’ hour to get that. I have a memo unprotected with a few of the passwords that I use for websites. Please help yourself to some Levenger items. (they have some expensive pens that I am sure you would appreciate.) If you hurt yourself breaking into my car go ahead and order some bandaids and peroxide. I do not want you to get an infection. If you get a chance, on my Palm, there is my list of birthdays for all my friends, I will give you money for the cards if you could send them out next year. Thanks. I have “in da club” as the ringer for my phone, (which I am sure you know since I have been calling my cell for 2 days now.) I like that ringer a lot, but if you must change it, go ahead. Oh crap, I almost forgot, I have the chargers for these items, I can get them to you if you like. I figured you have a day or two on both items and they might need to be plugged in. Let me know if there is a good time to meet and I can get these to you. Thanks.
Me
Posted: Friday, Nov. 19 14:05:56 2004
Boston, Mass.
this is in or around Boston
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Blood Feud With My Garbage Man
I'm in the middle of a feud. I wish it was with someone louche and questionable, because then at least my feud would be slightly cool. But no, my feud is with my garbage man. And I'm going to win this feud, so help me. I'm close to meeting him at the curb with a glove to slap his stupid face so I can challenge him to a duel.
For a little background on my feud, I rent a house with six other guys. We all take turns doing the garbage duty, but somehow I always end up doing it because the other guys "forget". This sucks because they are all men and I'm an innocent girl who should never have to touch garbage, but I guess I went on and on about women's equality and how I'm as good as they are and they believed me and now I'm stuck doing "man's work." Note to self: keep feminist ideas quiet.
Back to my feud - about two or three months ago, our garbage man left us a cute little note. No, he wasn't thanking us for all the quality garbage we produce (a metric ton of bottles and cans and porn), he was complaining because we "put our cans too close together and they must be at least four feet apart." He left this note on top of our still full garbage cans that he refused to pick up.
Of course we had just had a party, so there were all sorts of decomposing items in the garbage can that had to sit around for another week, in addition to the new garbage we accumulated. I was the only one who was pissed off about this, because I'm a woman and I'm averse to rotting garbage scenting my home. The other guys didn't even notice, but these are guys who think their gaseous emissions smell like Chanel No. 5, so I was the only one who seemed bothered.
The next garbage pickup, I carefully observed the 4 foot rule, as well as the rule of not exceeding the capacity of the can. I was a regular Sanitary Poster Child. I gave good garbage. And our garbage was picked up, so all was well, until one night I happened to look down at the rest of the garbage cans on our street and I noticed that our neighbor's cans were closer together than 4 feet, like so close they were touching. And yet their garbage was being picked up. Well, I'll be fucked sideways. If my neighbor's garbage cans can touch, so can mine.
Next garbage day, I put the cans close together. That night, I came home to find one of our cans, open, laying on it's side. The other can was sideways at the other end of the driveway. But the rest of the block, all their garbage cans were neatly lined up and TOUCHING. And thus, it was on. The feud had begun.
Every week, I've deliberately put the garbage cans together (like the rest of the street), and every week, our cans are fucked up. Knocked over. Akimbo. Today I was fed up, so I put the garbage cans together and then at the ungodly hour of 5:15 am, I watched the garbage man from a hidden corner on our porch. The fucker dumped our garbage into the truck and then looked around before knocking over one of our empty cans with his foot.
At this point, I sprang out of the shadows and said, "Why the fuck did you do that?" It was kind of funny to watch him jump. He recovered quickly though, and with an extremely surly tone he said he was fed up with our cans being too close every week. I said, "Well, what about the rest of the block? See their cans? Yeah, they're all touching, yet you don't abuse their cans. What the fuck?"
Here's where the story just gets bizarre, as per usual in my life. The garbage man (who looks like he just came from the local biker bar) picks up one of our garbage cans and chucks it into the back of his truck, gets in the truck, and the driver starts to drive away. I stood in awe until my anger took over again and I ran up along side the truck, just in time to be treated to his grinning face and his middle finger.
Now we only have one garbage can. All I'm going to say is, hell hath no fury. Do we not pay for this service? I have a feeling that dealing with the sanitation department is going to be like dealing with the DMV - I'm going to get fucked. There's probably some rule I don't know about, like: Never fuck with your garbage man. We'll probably all have to move because I tried to take them on.
This is a complaint from yesterday, but it still stands today: I hate people who say, "Happy Hump Day!" on Wednesdays. They are the same people who say, "T.G.I.F!" and "Looks like someone's got a bad case of the Mondays!" (and they aren't being sarcastic and quoting Office Space either) and "It's raining so hard, I had to swim into work! Quack, quack!" I hate you and I hope you trip over your Payless shoes.
Posted Thursday, Nov. 18 10:31:26, 2004
Washington, D.C.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hot Jewish Girls Looking To Piss Off Parents, Apply Within:
Are you hot, Jewish and looking to piss off your parents?
Then look no further...
What I have to offer is the Total Parental Approval Annihilation Package.
(Bring me home and your parents will give you a new car just to dump me, guaranteed.)
Package includes:
~ One bitter Drunk (fine single malt scotch not included).
~ Many highly visible tattoos.
~ Tasteless jokes and poor table manners.
~ Numerous mispronunciations and cultural insensitivities like "Chan-a-ka"
and the irrepressible "Ch-al-la bread".
...and much more.
Terms and Conditions:
+Purchaser of said package (hereafter girlfriend) agrees to
provide numerous car rides, including late night rides home from bar after
Total Parental Approval Annihilation Package technician (hereafter
boyfriend) has missed the last train.
+Girlfriend agrees to bare all costs associated with developing and
maintaining boyfriend's bitter drunken state.
+Girlfriend agrees to not hold boyfriend liable for any damages he may
incur while operating aforementioned new vehicle.
+Girlfriend agrees to frequent sexual encounters with boyfriend, with a
typical duration of 10 minutes. (Foreplay is available as an option, however
foreplay will only apply for the first month.)
+Maximum commitment is for six months and 50% of what ever sum parents
offer to be rid of boyfriend.
+Boyfriend is not responsible for any sum of money "borrowed".
All transactions are final.
I look forward to hearing from you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That being said...America is so full of potential, and all of us who spend the time reading these have just as much time on our hands as those people posting. ha!
Iy de mi.
posted by Sami Jo at
11:25 PM
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