i am in trouble...

I spent the majority of my trip home today listening to loveline on my ipod (my car outlet was missing, and i had no blank cds), sipping on non-drousy Robutussin and wishing home was only 3 hours (200 miles) from Denver, instead of 6.

Upon arrival, I felt more at peace and at home that I have in the last six weeks. I feel like i'm leading two lives, and the person I slip back into when I return to South Dakota (suprisingly) is so much more... real.

I knew when I moved back to Denver, my way of going about it was anything but ordinary.

I pushed my time out here at home as far as I could, then left all of my things... and MY home, and took off with clothes, some all important bedding and a big, comforter-sized box full of my personality.

Or so I thought...

My past 5/6 weeks in Denver have made me feel so unbelievably unsettled. I've grown into the roll of a gypsy that has some things here, a few more things there, then continually wondering where the hell I left my keys 10 minutes ago. Dispite all this, I've been content getting along with all the people that filter in through my day to day (non)routines.

I wanted something different. I wanted to treat my second venture out into the career world as "serious business woman in the big city" somewhat like college: I bring my most favorite neccessities, get a cheap room - then make the rest up as I go.

Check. Check. Check.

Work has been a challenge. I've slowly been trying to prove myself to a group of people by working through my frustrations/ wall-coliding problems on my own by pulling from the outrageous amount of emotional work experience I endured over the past year. I've been getting better... I'm still trying to find my exact fit...

It's gotten to the point now, where it's not "What do I want to do?" or "Am I doing the right thing?"

No.

This time it is about who I am. I'm really starting to trust myself. And i've been sitting on a lot of passions/ideas that I really plan on putting into the action in the near future to really make sure I tell the world exactly who that is. I don't feel like maybe i'm doing the wrong/right thing... i'm just doing my thing - and know that I can do it however I want because it's my life, i only get once - and "whether I can or can't, i'm right" and finding i'm capable (and will be capable) of a lot more than I thought I would be when I was dancing around in questionable limbo.

I'm feeling good in that aspect. Damn good.

But as for feeling at home -- feeling whole -- feeling really, really good in my surroundings - this has been lost. And when I finally got home tonight at 11:40p.m. (Thanksgiving) - I walked into my home, full of my things, and realized I did not, in fact, pack my personality and comfortability into that large box -- it all was left here.

I gave my house a hug, turned on some heat, and set up the spare television in my room... and this feeling that I'll be able to sleep soundly - awake content, and walk around barefoot on shaggy carpet and clean pergo floors - has made my entire month of november.

I can see this being a real problem when I have to go back to Denver on Sunday... a love affair with a house. Who knew my great loves in life would have nothing to do men?

Things to Think About:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas betweenthe golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the liquid into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favoritepassions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never haveroom for the things that are important to you."

"So...Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always roomfor a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

When Life Hands You Lemons...

You make novela lemonade:

I've just come up the stairs to my apartment with dinner, large workload and an appetite for all things carbohydrate - this is, of course, not before walking around downtown with a grocery bag filled with 20 (yes, 20) lemons.

It's not my sour attitude. Just a quirky little thing from today that would slide nicely into the pages of a book...

Every time something horrible happens - a disagreement, me crying, me talking about why i'm crying, i got lost on the way to point B, I have no money til Friday, Etc. - i have one person that always tells me, " Jesus, Sami - Zach Braff isn't around with videocameras and his screenplay for his latest movies! (which btw, wasn't that superb)."

And every time they say this, I laugh a little, because I'm not a generally dramatic person - though their reaction and concern to all things involving them would suggest otherwise.

When I'm hurt - I hurt big because I have a big heart, I'm sensitive and better to get it all out at point of impact, then let things build into mass destruction. I give room for second, third, fourth chances, and while I think most logically about situations, my genuine need to care and faith for betterment always get in the way.

As I get older, I grow increasingly fond of the mentality that you should keep it to yourself and wait it out, honey - because you'll feel better in the morning."

And I always do - because Since the age of three I've been saying, "It'll be O.K."

I'm finding, lately, I'm having to pull that three year old confidence back out of me to support myself in situations not unlike the person I used to say this to when I was so young, but so wise.

There are a few ironic things "about last night":

1. a certain someone's birthday that connotates all things relating to this event
2. it all started over two measley minutes of music.

Being part writer, every time i see something happen in my life, I pause in my mind to write out the event in the best, most elaborately placed words possible so that someone else may later share in my occurance - all in those quiet moments before I fall asleep.

But last night, I spent a good hour trying to figure out how I could unwrite 120 minutes.

The funny thing about it all is this is who I am. I don't need a Zach Braff, and I don't need someone to constantly barade me about it. What's funniest thing about all of this, is the person always declaring that I act like I'm always in front of movie crew - has never read a damn thing i've written.

And so I say, don't knock it til you try it - because all's fair in love and war - and I still haven't written my book yet...