Suprisingly defensive...Oi Vey...

Yes. I feel really fat right now. But it will pass.

One other thing though, i'm not so sure about.

I got into a rousing discussion with my mother this evening. We're very open with each other. I can easily say she's my favorite person in the world, i respect her opinions and take all of her advice with the utmost admiration.

I mentioned her tonight that i'm heading down to arizona in may.
did i mention that to ya'all?
i'm pretty sure i did.
but if i didn't, i'm heading down to arizona in may. for five fun-filled days.

i don't really have a set plan for the trip. i hope to take a day or tour touring the best spots (jerome, sedona...maybe...mexico) with my favorite arizona boy, hit up peter, brandon and adam's show wed night when i fly in and also spend a considerable amount of time (a day or two) up in flagstaff to see all of my best girls.

splitting time consistently between all of my friends will be difficult. but i usually just let it fly and it works out the way it's supposed to.

something i've been thinking a lot about is where i'm going to stay.

it is assumed on both ends that i will stay with my best friend.
it would be easiest.
i always stay with him.
i would have possible use of his car (for really hilarious reasons).
it would be fun.
i wouldn't have responsibility to anyone or feel obligated to hang out with them by staying anywhere else. i'd want to be hanging out with my best friend, anyway.
so why the fuck don't i just stay with him?

this is where my mom and i got into a bit of a disagreement.

frankly, i don't think i really want to stay with him.
this has nothing to do with the fact that we had a three-year history that was retarded and i'm not sure at all why things went the way they went.

but the reasons for my hesitance include the following:
1. he has four cats, one dog, and a bed with a huge dent in the middle. not so hospitible to a guest.
2. obvious reasons conerning sex.
3. if i'm going to be hanging out with my favorite boy in az, i don't really want to call him up and say, "hey! can you come pick me up? I'm staying at [best friends name]." not that i'm pursueing anything there... but that's just not kosher... and i sort of already did that last june...Consider this situation. If i put myself in his shoes... i think i would feel wierd, too.

I have a few other options... and frankly, i think i'll be moving around so much while i'm there that I won't warrant ONE location as my homestay.

I'm mostly thinking i'm going to stay with my uncle. I can easily get rides... i can come and go as i please, and he has the most comfortable bed, couch and retardedly soft suede blankets. the only thing is i wouldn't want to be rude by staying out with friends and not spend time with him... which i would really love to do (he's one of my favorite uncles [which is speaking loud, since i have 10]. but i know me, and i know i'm going to schedule and get busy and not have time...

the point where my mom comes in is that when i mentioned maybe staying with my best friend, the conversation went as such:

me: "yeah. i think i may stay with [friend], but i'm thinking i don't really--"
mom: "nooooooo. don't do that."
me: "what? there's nothing there?"
mom: "because you're going to come home and call me and cry and say, 'mom... i'm so sad because so and so.."
me: "mom. there's nothing there! there hasn't been for like... a year, and definately not over the last six months! he's changed a lot."
mom: "no. he's bad for you. you need to stay away from him."
me: "mom. he's my best friend."
mom: "well i just think it's a bad idea."

Yes. It was a bad idea three years ago.

Maybe i'm overestimating him. Maybe my new life in denver has lead me to avoid all of the same habbits that he may still be carrying on with his life in arizona. i just don't have to deal with them because he's not calling me up to be buddy buddy after all of the meaningless women i used to see him go through all of the time...

but who the fuck cares?

i'm not going to enter into his territory and turn into the 19-year-old Sami that i was when i met him! JEES... give me a little credit, here.

And furthermore, give him a little credit. I never thought i'd be defending him when it came to this, but dammit! I feel terrible, because my family hates him. My friends all hate him. They all still make snide comments about him and talk about how i need to stay the fuck away and blah blah blah blah blah...

And i have to appologize to him for all of that now. I won't appologize for it then, but now... i'm sorry everyone i love doesn't love you. And never will. I'm sorry for that, because we're different now.

But to my mom, and everyone else who is still making shitty remarks... i'm goign to get a little defensive here.
You don't know him and me.
You don't know that he has put up with a lot more of my shit than most of you will probably ever see.
He knows every single aspect of sami... and he loves me anyway.
i'm not exactly peaches to put up with.

so lay the fuck off it already! i appreciate your concern, but there's really nothing to be concerned about anymore.

i'm fucking my love life over with other boys now. so if you want to get mad at someone for that... get mad at me.

i'm working on it.