The New Year's Resolution Myth:

Strange how people use the first day of the first month of the year to envoke self-improvement. Isn't this supposed to be some sort of continuous cycle? Or if you fail to succeed at your resolution you made on January ONE, you are doomed to wait 300some odd days until next year to make another...

or... for those Catholics... there's always Lent.

or...summer's coming...better loose the booty.

or...(insert excuse here).

My point is, why the pressure on this particular day? New year... well, if i'm Chinese, my new years starts sometime in February...or April. If i were going by season, then wouldn't my jan. first be sometime in July in Italy (summer = winter, visa versa)?

I make no sense.

Regardless, i've never been a fan of the new years resolution, because these so called 'self-proclaimed improvements' are inevitably always made to be broken. "Diet starts tomorrow," she/he says 27 days in a row.

Coincidently, i'm going through this really ridiculous phase, which warrents a few neccessary resolutions of my own...it's been lasting for about... five weeks or so. Pretty self-depreciating really. I hang out with friends and make off-handed comments about how stupid/ugly/fat/(insert self-insult here) i am. I"m not searching for reassurement, or asking people to argue with me...i just simply feel just as I say at the present time. so don't argue with me. ha. it's just how i feel, and am pretty sure it will pass eventually. I can't imagine i'm the funnest person to be around when i act raging insecure and all stupid like that.

On occassion, i get pretty good at just scuffing it off, but the shit attitude is getting lame. so, i need to get my groove back on with these, oddly on new-years, self-improvement resolutions:
1:be less negative - i was 'gettin my groove on' on a raised stage last nite, dancing my heart out in front of 50some people...sober. ha. i'd rather hang out with me then rather than me sitting in a corner watching. - also... those snap comments about other people...some people seem to admire the honesty quality... at times, find it mildly humerous, but i wouldn't want someone saying shit about me.

PS - Drunken pictures with Suzy from last night:



2:just keep lude comments about self to self - good trick here if you suck at taking compliments --- always reply with, "That's nice of you to say!" You skirt the compliment without insulting the person who gave it to you, along with skipping a 10-minute discussion that would perhaps ensue by rolling the eyes or scoffing at the comment... this only causes the other person to praise you 100fold... causing akward uncomfortableness times a million.

3: 'when not sure what to do, don't do anything' --- patience is a virtue, and something i surely need to be better at... mostly with myself. and when in confrontation or upset with someone else.

i have this insessent need to fix things promptly, instead of just letting them sit for a bit. i guess i'm just scared that the person will ditch me if we don't resolve the issue, or..."what if" I or they get hit by a bus/mauled by mad elephants/caught in a fire? even when animals die, i worry about how i treated them the day it happened.

jesus, i'm a nutjob. just give the bad shit three or so days. it usually does the trick... oh, and don't bitch about your shit to other people while you're waiting. you'll just cause unneeded haste in their direction. plus, the game of 'telephone' ensues...even with yourself, and what actually happened, isn't what you're even mad about when all is said and done. stupid.

NOTE: when regarding fights/arguments - if i like you, don't worry... i'll do everything in my power to protect your reputation, even if you're currently pissing me off and my closest family/friend is trying to pry the dirt out of me.

4: stop saying i'm sorry for every fucking thing i do (or don't do.)
boss: "You just made me laugh"
me: "I'm sorry."

one friend always makes fun of me for saying, "I'm sorry. I don't know, i'm a loser."
Not sure why i do this one. cut it out for a good year, but it came back a few weeks ago. pretty gay. guess it's a 'just in case' i ever do hurt someone's feelings.

This is all trash anyway... more a personal referrence. i think way too much... and if you're friends with me, then... hmm. (no comment).

Geez, i'm self-involved. Better make a top 5 and throw that on there at the end. stop that.

Here's a list my good friend in New Mex gave me earlier this year: good standard list to live by:

One: Love Two: Laugh Three: Prosper Four: Bless Five: See others better than they see themselves Six: Stay OPEN! *most important Seven: Expect miracles Eight: Be the miracle Nine: Shift (when neccessary) Ten: Follow your heart

goodness:
Jamie Cullum - High and Dry
two jumps in a week, bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?
flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop
you'd kill yourself for recognition, you'd kill yourself to never, ever stop
you broke another mirror, you're turning into something you are not.

don't leave me high. don't leave me dry.
don't leave me high. don't leave me dry.

drying up in conversation, you will be the one cannot talk
all your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love.
they're the ones who hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
they're the ones who'll spit at you, you will be the one screaming out

It's the best thing that you have ever had.
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Bought The Da Vinci Code: special edition with all of the art pictured in the book. Going to start a chapter or five. hopefuly ditch the punk attitude as well and get on with 2005.

cheers, my dears.